


The Landscape of You and Me

by bestelitecouple



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M, One Shot, Physical Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Video & Computer Games, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-11-25
Packaged: 2019-02-06 12:51:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12817926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestelitecouple/pseuds/bestelitecouple
Summary: Daniel Howell is an environmental artist for an online game that has torn his heart into pieces. It wasn't the game that turned his life into shit, no, it was caused by the only man he's ever loved— who, unfortunately, just so happens to be the game's designer. Because of none other than Philip Lester, Daniel lives in a mind of monochrome shades and heartbreak. Not only that, but the deadline for the finished product's release is in six months, and after a blur of events, it has become the deadline for Daniel to turn his life back around as well.





	The Landscape of You and Me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody! This is my last PBB Fic for 2017! I have to say, writing this was a roller coaster, and didn't end up quite the way I wanted to, but I'm happy with it and I hope you guys enjoy it! This was lovely to make and I'd like to thank my beta, @Dansdandles, and my artist, @Themessafterthemarty! Again, I hope you guys enjoy it and lemme know if you have any other stories you'd like me to write!

Beginnings are always the toughest for Dan.    
   
Starting has to be Dan’s least favorite thing, because he never knows how to anymore. He wasn’t always this way. His hand used to only have to move an inch before he knew exactly what he had wanted to do, a scene emerging from those first beginning lines. He wonders if it’s because of a lack of inspiration or a lack of caring, but he feels a dropping in his stomach as he spots one of his pieces from earlier in the year, vibrant and full of life compared to the empty canvas he’s desperately trying to fill. It’s truthfully one of the best he’s ever done, as there’s nothing that it lacks. 

It’s colourful, catches the eye far too naturally, lively and dynamic against the simple, soft texture he used to balance out the amount of detail he had put into the colour palette. A perfect match for the very beginning of the game, he’d been told, returning to his desk excitedly at the thought that his art would be used in a video game because he was one of the best environmental artists at that time. 

He stares back down at his empty canvas, his thin-tipped stylus hovering over his blank white screen, hand shaking in muddled concentration as he tries to get down something, anything. He puts his stylus down next to him, lining it up next to his various other styluses.

His art hasn’t been the same since that day and he knows it. None of the environments he’s done after that really look right, there always seems to be something missing that he can’t put his finger on. They looked somewhat similar to his previous works, but he’s never happy with the finished products he sends in at the end of his workweeks, really the only reason why he ever sends them in anymore is so he doesn’t fall behind. Though usually it’s PJ that comes to his little glass cubicle at the end of the week to collect them, since he can’t even bother to leave his desk anymore.

PJ’s concerned now. He always asks Dan how his week has gone and what’s going on in his personal life before he asks what Dan’s produced, but all Dan can ever do is turn around in silence to hand him his work, then wait in shame at the lackluster environments he’s barely completed. PJ hasn’t said anything to him about it yet, which is what scares him a bit, as they’ve worked far too much and far too long for Dan to continue this way. Not to mention that PJ is one of the head’s of this project who’s practically known to keep on task with the endgame and not let anything get in the way of that result. 

He runs a cramped hand through his greasy hair, he hasn’t had a shower in five days, before sitting up from his far too small desk chair and reaching into one of his desk drawers for his cell phone.

“Daniel the Maniel, just the guy I wanted to see.” 

Dan jumps at the sudden voice, hands tight around his cell phone to avoid flinging it across the room.

PJ opens the door to his cubicle, three of his co-workers practically attached to his sides. There’s Sophie, the tiny curly-haired brunette who works in animation, Louise and Cat, the duo who work in design along with PJ. The four go out for lunch together everyday, and getting together on the weekends to hang out. Dan used to go with them, but he eventually stopped going when he realized he still hadn’t felt like himself. And besides, he knew that if he did start going with them again, that one of them would ask him what’s wrong, something he just wasn’t ready to face yet. Hell, he still isn’t.

“You got what I need?” He asks, voice lighthearted and eyes shining hopefully at the end of another busy week on the horizon. Dan takes his lip between his teeth, looking down at his empty screen with a sigh. He shakes his head, nervous to even look up at PJ’s face, because although Dan’s efforts have been lacking, he’s not once handed in no environment at all.

He hears hushed voices between PJ and the girls, then the multiple footsteps of people leaving the small room and the closing of the glass door of the small cubicle. He hears PJ’s footsteps stop right in front of his desk, before a hand reaches under his chin and lifts it up.

PJ’s irises are a mesmerizing mix of greens, lights combined with a few dark specks in a vibrant yet gentle pair of eyes. He gives Dan a compassionate grin, before taking a look at Dan’s empty screen.

“What’s the matter Dan?” His voice is just a gentle as his eyes appear, almost as if he’s taking to a small child, which is pretty much the way Dan feels right about now with PJ crouching to his level, despite Dan being much bigger than PJ. 

He knows something’s been wrong for a while now, Dan hasn’t exactly tried to hide it, but he hasn’t really acknowledged it until this moment, where it had now become a necessity for him to ask. It was getting in the way of Dan’s work, and Dan knew the second the quality of his environments had decreased, that PJ would do something about it.

“Nothing PJ, I’m just tired is all.” Dan replies, even he knows that neither of them find that it’s true. Dan’s been using the excuse for weeks now in every possible situation, from not leaving his workspace to avoid going to social events after work. He and PJ were also good friends, if that had even counted for anything, point being that PJ’s known Dan for a very long time and he knows that Dan hasn’t been his best as of lately.

“Don’t give me that bullshit, you and I both know there’s something more. We’ve both known for almost a month now.” PJ voices comes out harsh, Dan wincing at the sound. He hates to have disappointed his boss and friend, it’s really the last thing he wants to do. PJ comes round to the other side of his desk, placing a hand on Dan’s shoulder. Pj takes a breath to calm himself down before he continues.

“Tell me what’s wrong. I’ve barely gotten a word out of you and Phil refuses to tell me what’s going on-” Dan stops listening after that, eyes trained in the corner of his office, because the name tugs at his heartstrings while simultaneously filling his tummy with butterflies. He hasn’t heard the name in weeks now, hasn’t seen the face either, but he knows if he did he would probably scream. Or cry. Or just collapse, maybe all of the above. Because Phil sounds a lot like home, Phil sounds a lot like the heater gently , Phil sounds a lot like a blanket draped over your shoulders after you’ve just been out in the cold for a very long time and he can’t help but feel so damn fond over a single syllable, or rather the person who the syllable belongs to. 

But Phil isn’t any of those things anymore. Now Phil sounds a lot like booming thunder during a harsh rain storm, now Phil sounds a lot like icicles being plunged straight through his chest one by one because Phil is the thing that tore him to pieces. And yet, he still can't help but feel that way. Now, Phil was-

“Come on Dan, please.” Is where he tunes back in and remembers that PJ is talking to him, so he plasters on the best smile he can, though he’s sure it isn’t as convincing as it usually is.

Phil was nothing.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

PJ looks somewhat confused as to what Dan’s talking about, but he’s already made up his mind. He doesn’t want to ruin this for the others who are working so hard each and every day, just because he’s going through something. It isn’t fair for them, he knows it. This is easier, they can all get back to working well and he can find something else.

“I can’t work on the game anymore.” He says, PJ’s face going practically ballistic the second he gets the words out.

“What do you mean you can’t work on the game anymore? Where is this coming from? We need you here!” He bursts out angrily, causing Dan to look down and play with his hands, like he always does when he’s nervous in a decision.

“I just can’t do it anymore Peej, I haven’t put out anything good in weeks and you and I both know those aren’t going into the game. I’m no longer inspired to make the things I used to, I just can’t do the game anymore.” He stops himself when he starts to sound choked in order to avert PJ’s concern, but he already knows he heard the slight croaking in Dan’s voice. 

“Dan, you’re being kind of ridiculous. So you’ve got a bit of creative-block, that doesn’t mean you should just quit completely-” PJ tries to say excitedly, but Dan already knows he’s trying to give Dan an inspiring speech and responds without hesitation.

“It’s not just a creative-block Peej, I’m too emotionally-incapable to do it right now.” PJ’s face looks confused for only a second before it goes soft. Dan’s sure PJ’s gotten the hint of what’s happened between Dan and he-who-shall-not-be-named when PJ’s hand starts rubbing Dan’s tense shoulder.

“Oh Dan, I’m sorry I didn’t realize it sooner, I should’ve known-” He begins to carefully apologize.

“It’s fine.” He replies sharply, his tone far more aggressive than he intended it to be. Nonetheless, PJ turns back on his peppy self, anger vanishing in almost an instant and before Dan can even say much more PJ’s forcing him out of his chair.

“Don’t let him be the death of you! You love this job! This is your dream Dan, do you really want it to be muffed up because of some guy?” Dan gets somewhat frustrated at PJ’s choice of words, because he wasn’t just some guy, he was never just some guy! He tightens his fists.

“You can’t just let him pull you down like that! You just need to get back into the groove of things! Let yourself just go with the flow and let your instincts kick in! I know you guys were together for a long time, but you’re acting kind of ridiculous right now.” PJ says, Dan almost fuming with anger. He needs to calm himself down, he’s decided, so he walks right out of his office and out of the building, but not before catching PJ yelling at him from down the hall;

“You better make up your mind soon! The environments are due in just a few weeks!”

He huffs as he presses the lobby button, the door closing in front of him as the machine begins to move. He’s the only one inside, a good place to try and calm himself before he has to show his face again. 

“Just some guy, he was never just some guy and he fucking knows it!” Dan mutters to himself as the numbers count down the floors. Fifty, fourty-nine, fourty-eight…….

Dan suddenly realizes what he was so transfixed on during their somewhat infuriating conversation that reminded him of the un-nameable. 

The first environment he’d ever made for the game, almost three years ago. They had barely developed a concept, not even a story to actually work on. It had been during the planning stages of the project, and everyone had wanted to see just what Dan could do.

It was him that helped Dan prove himself worthy.   
.  
Dan was fresh out of university at only the age of twenty, a year earlier than most because he had been so advanced in all of his classes. He was still slightly baby-faced, with chub around his cheeks and hair straightened to almost unhealthy flat lines, a tell-tale sign that he’s still somewhat a child.

It was his first major project and first major job, as the company was so impressed with his skills that they hired him right out of uni. He was luckier than most, but also one of the youngest in the entire office building, which easily put him at a disadvantage. 

He was nervous, he could barely afford a nice tie at that point, so he wore his button-down from his graduation and too-big trousers that hung off his hips, even though he’d made the effort to wear a belt.

He was sure he looked like a kid, but he had hope that today would go well. 

PJ, his uni friend who had been a fourth year when he was a first, had run his segment and took him in with open arms. PJ was the game’s soundtrack composer, and his boss, but managed to make sure he got a good office, introduce him to various co-workers around the place, and even make sure that the break-room had the kind of coffee Dan liked. 

He was surprised to have someone go through so much trouble just for him, but it made him feel important. He wasn’t used to feeling that way.

PJ let him into his very own corner office, a big glass thing with a window view unlike anything he’d ever seen. It was wonderful, watching all the people below hustling and bustling about, the world still going on around him despite Dan being in his own world. It was fascinating. 

“We’ll be having a meeting in the next few days, so I’ll call you when it's time! Enjoy the clean desk while you can!” He called before exiting the room, leaving Dan with a brand new macbook and his thoughts.

This job was so amazing! He got paid an incredible amount, he got to do what he loved, and had access to every single supply he could ever think of! It was a match made in heaven. 

Dan’s family wasn’t poor per se, but they weren’t the richest people. Dan tends to only get new supplies if there’s a holiday coming up, but this is something new all in itself. His first grown-up job. 

He spends most of the day looking around his in awe, looking through every drawer in his desk and settles himself into the space. He unpacks all of his things and by the time it reaches noon, he’s basically made his office his space.

Posters hang from the far right wall of all his favorite games, his bookshelf filled with various philosophical novels made by his favorite existentialists and figurines he’s collected over the years.  

He fills the drawers of his desk with his new supplies from the company, and he looks around with a sigh because he simply cannot believe he works here.  
PJ swings open the door with an approving nod of Dan’s decorating, followed by three women behind him. 

“Dan, I’d like you to meet Louise, Cat, and Sophie. They all work for the game as well. You’ll be seeing quite a lot of them, as I think I’ll put you on the new project we’re working on.” Dan shakes all of their hands, giving each a polite grin. Though he realizes halfway through Cat’s handshake that everyone is dressed very casually, wearing sundresses and ripped jeans. He makes a mental note of that to avoid making the same mistake tomorrow. 

“But that’s not the only reason why I’m here. We go out for lunch everyday, and were wondering if you wanted to join us?” Dan instantly shakes his head, because any chance for new friends is a chance Dan is willing to take. He isn’t a social butterfly, but he’ll take any chance to mingle and meet new people at least once. 

“Alright, grab your keys and moneys, because we’re going out for food!” So Dan does what PJ says and locks up his corner office before he follows behind the three women, assuming they’re on their way out of the office. 

“OH!” PJ shouts, causing Dan to jump at the sudden booming noise.

“Sorry, but I almost forgot, there’s someone else I wanna invite.” He replied, patting Dan’s shoulder in slight guilt before he turns around to head back towards Dan’s office. He makes a left and a few doors down, he knocks on the glass door.

Inside is a man who’s hunched over a growing stack of papers, a stack so large that he can’t see the man’s face. He takes a second before he gets up and walks towards the door of his dark office, Dan finding it slightly strange that the man works without the lights on, especially in their line of work. But as he moves closer towards the light, Dan finds himself intrigued. 

“What can I do for you boss-man?” He sounds slightly northern, voice deep but melodic as he locks hands with PJ in some sort of handshake. 

“We were wondering if you wanted to join us for lunch, palerino.” The man rolls his eyes somewhat fondly, reaching into his pocket before counting his notes. He chuckles before looking back at PJ.

“Well lucky for you, I have just enough to go and grab a bite to eat.” His co-workers cheer, leaving Dan slightly out-of-the-loop to what was going on.

“Finally, it’s about time you come get lunch with us!” Louise groans as the man lets out a laugh, leaving Dan wondering why it sounds so contagious. 

“Who’s this?” He asks, locking his eyes on Dan. And god, those eyes. They’re soft, and serene and wonderful, making him feel at ease within a matter of seconds. Dan can’t stop staring into those baby blues, and briefly wondering if he’ll melt if he stares any longer. He feels his face flush as he looks down, trying to avoid giving the wrong impression to someone he’s only just met. 

“This is Dan.” He reaches out his hand, to which the man shakes with a strong grip. He tries to shake with a grip just as strong. It’s a second too long than they’re hands touch when they go to pull away. 

“Dan, this is Phil.”  

They had undeniable chemistry that first meeting. All through lunch there wasn’t a time when they weren’t talking, because they had found they had such similar interests so quickly. After they’d gotten back, PJ assigned him to the at the time barely developed project, only if he could show him what he could do, to which he had made the environment in the hour of work he had left at the time. At the time he didn’t know it, but it was inspired by Phil’s eyes, edges blurred soft and canvas filled with light blues and gentle greens and specks of gold. Though it was awful compared to Dan’s best works up until this moment, PJ was extremely impressed considering that he was a student fresh out of school, deciding to assign him fully to the game and officially add him as a member of the team.    
.  
He jumps as the elevator lets out a high-pitched ‘ding’, storming out of the elevator to the surprise of an elderly lady and a younger guy holding a stack of books, which he almost drops.

Dan nods at Rupert, the doorman who knows him well, opens the door wide for him without a single word, Dan sending him a grateful look as he exits the building. The fresh air hits him more than it should, but it calms him almost instantly as he hurries along the sidewalk filled with crowded people, most dressed in heavy coats for the cold weather. London’s always freezing in February, Dan should’ve known better, but it’s too late to go back now, he’s not going back until he has to. So he just tugs his sweater a little closer to his body and continues on.

PJ really has some nerve, saying the things that he did. He knew just how together they were, how in love they were. He knew the extent of it-

“No, stop thinking about it.” Dan tells himself, shaking his head as he makes a sharp right around the corner, making his way towards the french bakery and paints shop just steps away from their building. It was always handy for Dan, as he could get the materials he needed for his environments while also getting a snack to keep himself going. 

He feels the warm air from the open bakery door and shivers, the tiny shop looking as welcoming and homely as always, so much so that he just cannot resist slipping inside after a rather short man, the door closing behind him with a ring from the bell. He queues anxiously, playing with his hands as he slowly moves towards the front. 

Smoke rises from the espresso machine behind the cashier, pastries stacked high in glass windows on either side of the registers while a few employees behind the counter walk around serving other customers scattered throughout the tiny shop. He can’t seem to stop himself from glancing around the old place, because everything is hot and smells like black coffee, and he used to always smell like black coffee so now black coffee smells a lot like everything he lost and he just can’t stand it-

“Can I help you?” The monotone, bored voice asks him from behind the register, he must have already said something as Dan was lost somewhere else. Dan can feel his cheeks heat as he orders a black coffee, even though he doesn’t like coffee, before he sits down at a small table by the window with coffee in both his hands, the warmth of the cup heating his hands as he looks out at the people passing by.

He looks over at the chair across from him, even though he knows it empty. But seeing it actually empty, seeing that there’s no one there with him, it hurts a lot. They used to come here all the time, when the weather got particularly chilly and they were on their way home, he’d always beg for a coffee from his favorite place with his favorite person, Dan always too fond to say no to that tone he used to use.  
.  
“Let me show you something!” He exclaims, grabbing Dan’s arm gently while leading him through the crowded london streets, the chilly autumn weather making both their hands cold to the touch. 

Phil holds the door open as Dan steps through into the welcoming bakery, the smell of black coffee and sudden warmth both engulfing him whole. It smells a lot like his dad, he’d always liked strong coffee on Sunday mornings, when he’d sit with Dan and watch the morning cartoons. 

Dan’s been here only once before, to go on a quick coffee run for PJ, but he’s never been in here for more than a few minutes. It’s somewhat strange as he waits with Phil in line, listening to the chatter throughout the tiny shop as they stay silent. Dan doesn’t really mind, he likes looking around anyways. It’s a place filled with nice things to look at, golden wallpaper mixing with dark wooden floors and knick knacks hanging from the walls. He can’t find a bare space in the entire place, but he thinks it makes him like it more. It looks very much like it’s been lived in, a feeling Dan’s been trying to get in his own single-bedroom apartment, but to no avail. 

“I’ll have a black coffee please, and my friend will have-” Phil starts, looking over at Dan as a cue for him to order. 

“Iced tea please.” He says, the cashier giving him a strange look before reading off the total from the register. He gets out a few notes to pay, but Phil pushes his hand back and reaches into his pocket for his own wallet.

“I got it.” He says, Dan too embarrassed to hold up the line arguing against it, a flush creeping it’s way up his cheeks as the cashier hands Phil back his change. Phil leads him to a small table by the wall of windows, Dan mumbling a quick, “Thank you.”, before sitting across from him as they wait for Phil’s name to be called for their drinks.

“So, Dan, how’s work treating you?” Phil asks casually, yet there’s almost a hint of concern laced behind that friendly voice he’s using. He’s learned in the past few weeks that Phil is quite the social butterfly, though he tends to get caught up in his work and sometimes forgets that he needs a break. He cares so much about a lot of things, people in particular. The amount of times he’s seen Phil asking someone if they’re okay while he walks past is too many for him to count, and although this is only their second time hanging out, their first time hanging out alone, he can tell that Phil already cares about him in the same way that he would with one of his collages that he's known for possibly many years. That’s just the type of guy that Phil is. 

But there seems to be something different in the way that Phil treats him than the way that he treats everyone else. He can’t exactly tell how he knows that, but he knows it. He’s surprisingly content with it. 

“Good. I got through my first meeting yesterday. It went surprisingly well.” He responds, taking a sip from his cold tea as Phil smiles widely.

“That’s awesome! I’m glad!” He says happily, something in the tone of Phil’s voice that helps Dan know it’s genuine. Dan smiles back, chills running up his back as he gets a whip of the cold air from the open door. He doesn’t want to move, as they’ve already settled into their seats, so he instead tries to make conversation and know more about Phil. He’s been interested about Phil since they met, as Phil’s really the only person so far that he actually wants to get to know on more of a personal level since he started working at the company.

“So, when did you start working for Peej?” Dan asks, hand in his cheek as he leans over curiously. Phil’s quite chatty, so he won’t be surprised if Phil gives him a long-winded and detailed answer. 

“About two or three years ago. PJ and I met at a university party for a mutual friend, and by the end of the night we started planning the game down to a tee. It may have been a semi-drunk bad decision, but ever since we’ve been really writing the game and trying to perfect everything. I never would’ve thought that I’d be here, writing a game that I’ve been planning for an entire three years of my life, and yet here I am!” Phil says, Dan giggling at the silliness of it all. His entire job is all because PJ and Phil made a bad alcohol-impaired decision? It’s quite funny now that Dan thinks about it, so much so that Dan can’t help but let out a small giggle.

“Hey! If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have a job!” Phil says defensively, though Dan knows he’s only kidding, because Phil starts laughing a second after that. He holds his hands up teasingly in surrender. 

“No, but in all truthfulness, I really do love my job. I hope you love yours too. We’ve been looking for a long time for the right person to take the job and it seemed like a position no one could fill. But then PJ told me he’d met a guy at Uni that was really great at environments. I saw your work, and it was honestly unlike anything I’ve really seen.” That makes Dan blush again, a flattered giggle escaping his lips as he shakes his head, hiding it in his hands.

“I’m serious!” Phil exclaims, taking Dan’s hands and moving them away from his face, Phil’s warm hands coming into contact with his cold ones and instantly letting go almost as fast as he touches them. 

“You’re hands are freezing!” He reaches into his pocket as Dan shrugs.

“I mean, I am drinking an iced tea on a cold November day with no jacket on.” Dan says as Phil pushes a pair of gloves in front of him. Dan pushes them back with a shake of his head.

“I promise, I’m good.” He denies, but Phil pushes them back at him and then crosses his arms. Phil won’t have them back until Dan wears them for a while, so Dan slips them over his hands and instantly feels the warmth from Phil’s pocket.

“Better?” Phil asks, Dan nodding as they both take another sip from their respective drinks. Phil gazes out the closest window, watching people pass by in bouts of conversations and nearing holiday cheer.   

“You really like my work?” Dan asks, wanting to continue their previous conversation. Phil turns back from the window in almost an instant to shake his head.

“Absolutely. I practically begged PJ to let us have you on our team.” Dan flushes yet again, and at this point Dan might as well turn into a fucking camelion because of how much he’s changed colour in the past hour or two, because Phil’s just flattering him far too much. He really isn’t worth all of the praise. He’s just a fresh-out-of-uni kid who makes pretty things sometimes, not this artist that Phil’s got him out to be. It’s the exact moment that Dan pinpoints they could actually be friends.

“Well, I’m glad you like it so much.” Dan says instead, Phil smiling somehow even bigger than he already had been. Conversation flows from there, they just move from topic to topic with ease, so much more than with anyone Dan’s ever met. They have a lot in common, just like Dan had said before, only now it was so much more clear. They’re there for a long time, so long that when they actually leave, it’s dark. They walk down the street in a quiet, peaceful way, in a way that lasts all the way to the underground.

“Well, this is my stop.” Phil states, holding his hand out in some form of handshake that Dan’s meant to take.

“I had a really good time today Phil.” Dan takes his hand and they shake slowly, then stop, but don’t release their hands from the grip. 

“I did too. We’ll have to do this again sometime, though maybe in an area a little less crowded than this, yeah?” The thought of being alone with Phil makes Dan’s heart skip a beat, but he nods breathlessly, finally being the first to make a move to let go of Phil’s hand, as Phil surprisingly hadn’t let go yet.

“Yeah, sounds good.” Dan breathes, the two looking at each other happily as the shrill arriving of the underground causes them to be broken out of their gazes. P

“See you tomorrow, yeah?” Phil calls as he steps onto the train, giving a final wave before it moves down the tracks, Dan watching it disappear in a state of joy. 

“Yeah.”

It was the most fun he’d had in quite a while, so much so that it inspires him to make another environment, paint a mixture of gold and orange, a mixture of autumn colours over a canvas with not a single patch of white. It impresses PJ quite a lot, even gives him an approving look from Phil. It’s only the beginning, but it’s still one of his favorites to this day.  
.  
He jumps at the sound of the door being slammed open, the bell ringing loudly as a grumpy elderly man steps inside the cafe, groaning gruffy at the fairly sized line. He’s still got the drink in his hands, only it’s gone cold, much to his dismay. He gets up, throwing the full cup of coffee into the bin before exiting the shop. Goosebumps form up his arms when he feels the rush of cold hit his skin. 

It’s been awhile since he stormed off from PJ, he feels slightly guilty about leaving him like that now that he’s calmed himself down, though he still isn’t ready to return to work. He doesn’t exactly know where he’ll go, but he continues down the street, past the bakery and towards the entrance of the paints shop.

He comes here often, so often that he knows that when he turns that he’ll see the new acrylics Sara’s likely to have on display by the door, since most people that go there are looking for them and she orders them on the third tuesday of every month, meaning they get there the following wednesday. 

Sara is the owner of the tiny shop, a recently graduated student from an arts uni further north who’s taken over for her elderly grandfather, who was an artist in the early forties. They’re acquaintances at most, but he can’t help but feel slightly more at ease with her presence in the otherwise empty room. It makes the store seem not as large or intimidating.

He makes his way to the back corner, towards the calligraphy pens and ink, his favorite section in the store. He doesn’t have much time to practice his calligraphy, but he still enjoys doing it whenever he can. There’s something about clean, fresh ink on thick paper that he finds satisfying, something that makes him forget about all about his rushed city lifestyle.    

He isn’t watching where he’s going though, so instead of ending up in the ink section, he smacks into a new display Sara’s put in the middle of the room and falls onto various art supplies that poke into his sides with a loud crash. Sara runs over immediately.

“Oh my gosh, Dan! Are you alright?” She asks him, reaching out her hand for him to grab so she can pull him up. He isn’t listening to her, instead he’s looking to see what he’s fallen on, only to recognize a very familiar colour scheme of a canvas by his hand, where he tried to hold himself up from his fall. He lifts himself up just to get it out from under him, only to find that it’s an environment of his from almost two years ago. It doesn’t belong here, he doesn’t remember giving this to Sara. He sees the silver lustre pigment flecked over the edges and suddenly his restitched heart is splitting into two all over again.

He’d given it to Phil.  
.  
Dan’s been trying to find it for ages.

He’s been on the hunt for a very specific kind of pigment, silver lustre dust to be exact. He’s been to practically every arts store in London and unable to find it anywhere. He’s tried ordering it online, but it turns out that the company who makes it doesn’t ship internationally more than twice a year. It’s either in store or he’s going to have to travel to Beijing to get it, something he really doesn’t have the time or money for. So instead he’s just running around like a panicked madman trying to figure out what to do.

He’s been on every art website, been to every forum and even checked E-bay and Amazon, but alas, he’s still unsuccessful. He has a strong feeling that he’s going to have to find a replacement for the powder. It really sucks though, he has the perfect concept in his head that he feels won’t be complete without that special dust.

Phil enters his office, leaning against the doorframe with a smirk. 

“Having fun yet?” He taunts jokingly, only to have his face drop when Dan looks up, And assuming that he sees the troubling look in his eyes and the way that he’s slouching over his desk, hands pulling at his hair. He shuts the door behind him, making his way towards Dan’s desk before squatting in front of him.

“What’s the matter?” He sounds very concerned, Dan chuckling bitterly as he leans up from his desk, turning his chair towards Phil, moving the hair away from his eyes. It probably going to sound stupid, but it really has Dan feeling stressed the fuck out.

“I’ve been trying to find this specific pigment for my environment due next week, but they only ship internationally twice a year and it’s based in Beijing and I can’t find it anywhere-” He doesn’t realize he’s talking so quickly until Phil puts his hands up, cutting him off with a few “woahs”, Dan closing his mouth as his cheeks flush in embarrassment. Phil’s probably got a lot on his plate too, he doesn’t need to hear Dan’s somewhat ridiculous problem.

“Okay, relax. Where have you checked for it?” His tone is calming, voice almost instantly soothing him into a more relaxed state.

“I’ve gone to basically every art store in London- I’ve been to Jackson’s, the Centre, Cass Art, I even went to Turnham Phil, Turnham!” He’s getting himself all worked up again, Turnham is literally a last resort store, and even there, they didn’t have anything similar to what he was searching for. He really feels hopeless right now, there’s no way he’s going to be able to find it.

“Did you try Cornelissen?” Dan’s confused. Is there an art store nearby that he’s never heard of?

“What?”

“Cornelissen, it’s the paints shop a few stores down.” Apparently so, Dan’s a little surprised that he hasn’t noticed it before, but he has no time to even think about that. Before he can even realize what he’s doing he’s jumping out of his chair, dragging Phil out of his office, down the stairs, and out of the building, stopping in his tracks just outside the entrance.

“Okay, lead the way to this paints shop I’ve literally never heard of.” He more or less commands than he does asks, but Phil complies, thank god, hand gently leading Dan down the somewhat less busy streets, as it’s still early, down towards the bakery they visited. It’s right next to it actually, Phil stopping to open the door for Dan.

He enters the shop, taking notice of how small and vibrant it is. A small woman comes to his side with the biggest grin he’s ever seen. 

“Welcome! What can I do for you?” She asks, voice peppy while she looks up at him. He feels somewhat uncomfortable with the look she’s giving him, but at this point he’s so desperate to find the silver dust that he just goes on with the task at hand.

“Hi, I’m looking for a specific brand of silver lustre dust, Crown brand, like-” he starts to explain, but the short woman cuts him off before he can even finish asking about what he’s looking for.

“The art supply company from Beijing, right?” He kind of surprised she knows what it is, not many people know about the company, those who do either have dug deep into the internet or have worked for the company previously. He nods, eyes growing big as she opens her mouth to say something.

“I ordered a few of their pigments a few weeks ago, but I’m not sure I have any left.” Any evidence of a hopeful look on his face has likely faded, replaced by sadness. She grows a bit panicked when she sees this.

“Hey! I don’t know if there are any left! Phil, why don’t you bring him to the international brands section and take a look through the shelves, you know where to go.” She tells him, Dan unable to concentrate on anything else at this time, Phil beginning to maneuver Dan to the back of the store. There stands a large shelf pushed up against the wall, labeled “International Products”. 

Dan’s about ready to leave, they haven’t found what he’s looking for and they’ve looked through almost the entire shelf. He knows that Phil can see the defeated look on his face when he slides to the floor. Phil’s still pushing through random oil paints, though his eyes are on Dan, but he’s too disappointed to care. He really had his heart set on that lustre dust, he really was hoping it’d help really pull his latest piece together. He starts thinking of other kinds he can use to substitute, but before he can come up with any brands, Phil’s stopped looking through shelves to side beside Dan on the floor.

“I’m sorry Dan, I know you really wanted to use it.” He apologizes, Dan nodding as he stares at his sneakers. He doesn’t look at Phil, instead starts wiggling his feet.

“It’s okay. I’m really disappointed, it would just really pull my art together and make it look like I know what I’m doing.” He responds, too caught up in his own pity to see the look of sympathy on Phil’s face turn into one of disbelief. 

“Dan, how could you say that about yourself, you’re one of the most talented artists at the company! I’m positive that no matter what you come up with, we’ll all love it! I know that you know what you're doing, you know that you know what you’re doing, don’t you?” He asks. Dan honestly doesn’t know if he knows what he’s doing, art has always just been such a simple thing that he never had to. Phil’s face softens a bit.

“I don’t know what I’m doing Phil, I never do when I paint or draw or anything of the sort. But ever since I started working for you guys, I feel like I have to. I don’t know, I guess I feel like I have to have a plan now that I’m working with bigger and better artists who have more experience than me and have all these fancy methods of groundwork, I think that’s why I want to find this so much. I’ve never wanted to impress anyone so much…… I just want to make good art.” He admits, biting his lip when Phil doesn’t reply right away. Phil probably thinks he’s really lame, and though he doesn’t want to care, he really fucking does, because Phil’s already a better friend than half of the people he used to consider friends and he really doesn’t want to lose him. They don’t even know eachother that well, yet he’s already so attached, he wants to know Phil better than anyone else he’s ever known. It’s a strange feeling, though it makes his chest tighten.

“I just want to be good enough.” He continues, instantly regretting the sentence the second it leaves from his mouth. He's said too much, now Phil definitely won’t want to stay friends with some angsty teenaged-

“I know you do.” Is all he says, something that has Dan feeling a bit nervous until Phil takes Dan’s hand in his own.

“Making good art is important, feeling proud of your work is also a big part of it, but you shouldn’t be basing your plans off of trying to impress people Dan, then you lose the personal aspect of art. Art should be for yourself, not just because we hired you to do something.” He pauses, swallowing thickly before he turns to look at Dan.

“I wish you didn’t feel so pressured to follow everyone else.” He sighs, staring at Dan for a couple of seconds in a way that has heart hammering. Everything is quiet for a few moments, the air almost heavy with emotion. Dan really wants Phil to say something else, the weight from the sullen silence almost too much for him. Luckily for him, he does.

“You’re good, so good Dan, and anyone who can’t see that isn’t worth trying to convince.  Keep doing what you’re doing, okay? There’s no reason to change anything because everything you're doing is already working. Alright?” 

“Alright.” Dan replies softly, Phil pulling Dan in for a tight hug before Dan can even wonder what he’s doing. His arms are loose, but holding him tight enough to make him feel secure. He hugs Phil back, head on his shoulder as he takes in the scent of expensive smelling cologne. He knows now why everyone goes to Phil when they’re feeling down, he has a certain way about him that makes every word that he says sound comforting and his hugs are so good you could melt into him. He could honestly stay in Phil’s arms for hours…..

“Dan.” Phil says, voice sounding urgent. Dan doesn’t let go, instead butts his head further into Phil’s shoulder, face in his shirt fabric, where he mumbles out an almost unhearable “What?”. Phil’s reaching for something over his shoulder. 

“I found it.” 

“Found what?” Dan asks, as he leans up out of Phil’s embrace. He sees Phil holding a small pot in his hands and that’s all it takes for Dan to know what he’s found. Dan’s eyes widen, mouth breaking out into a grin as he practically rips the tiny jar from Phil’s hands. He reads the label and squeals in delight, arms wrapping back around Phil to tackle him into another hug. 

“You found it!” He exclaims, Phil sitting up as he chuckles, Dan rocking them back and forth in a state of joy. He found it! He can use it on his environment! He’ll be able to pull it together! He owes Phil so much right now, he can’t help but want to just-

“Thank you, thank you!” Dan can’t help but briefly think about pressing a kiss of Phil’s cheek, but he stops himself, instead giving Phil a big smile of gratitude. He catches Phil’s eyes on him as he gets up from the floor, offering Phil a hand up that he takes. They’re hands brush for a bit longer than they’re supposed to, but Dan already pushed it out of his mind as they make their way to the checkout.

Dan buys the pigment and they exit the store, Phil instantly starts to talk about his old guinea pigs and how they once ate his primary grade lustre dust, a series of stories that has Dan snorting. When they get back to Dan’s office, Dan lingers by the door, something he doesn’t even realize he’s doing until Phil points it out.

“So, don’t you have an environment to finish?” He jokes, Dan rolling his eyes as he shoves Phil lightly. 

“Shut up.” He huffs, Phil waving, shutting the door to his office after Dan takes a seat in his office chair. He reaches for the environment leaning on the wall behind him, placing the large canvas onto his desktop as he opens the jar of lustre dust.

He smiles, dipping two fingers into the pot and sprinkling it over the corners, making sure to pack certain areas with more pigment than others. He does this for another forty five minutes, before he looks on at his work and is satisfied with how it’s turned out.

It’s cool-toned, covered in a mixture of darker and icey blues, a few deep, almost-black purples and occasional ashy patches acting as shadows, those patches and a few other darker places covered in metallic silver. It looks almost villainous, sharp, jagged and mysterious in a way that gives him chills. This is his best work yet, he’s so excited to share it with the others.

They end up loving it, just as Phil said, PJ even letting him know that it will definitely be an environment in the game, something that has Dan’s chest swell with pride and his eyes well with happy tears. It’s his first environment to be included, a piece that always has Dan feeling quite fond because Phil had helped him get there.  
.  
“Why do you have this?” He’s cold, voice practically spitting harshness from his lips as Sara bites her lip, obviously in guilt. 

“I couldn’t just let him throw it away-” She starts, but that’s all he has to hear before his ice turns into fire. He stands up, environment in hand as his face heats up red in anger. How dare he, How fucking dare he try to throw away their history, his art! He almost can’t even bring himself to speak. That fucking-

“How fucking dare you take this! It doesn’t belong to you!” He shouts, voice echoing off the walls because of how loud he is. She crosses her arms, looking up at him with a grimace.

“If I didn’t take it, it would be in the dump! Fucking take it, I don’t even want it!” She screeches back, not giving him a chance to say anything else because she’s going into the back, scribbling a note in messy handwriting before sticking it to the entrance, then making her way to the back to slam the ‘personnel only’ door behind her. He sighs, running a hand through his hair as he sticks the canvas under his arm and exits the store, now feeling even worse that he did before.

He feels even more guilty, now he’s snapped at Sara and PJ, who were both just trying to help him out, but instead, he’s pushed them away, just as he has everyone else. He looks around desperately, trying to find a distraction to keep his mind occupied. He spots, the familiar wooden bench at the park across the way, currently empty, a rarity at this time of day. 

He practically runs across the zebra crossing to get to the bench before anyone else. A middle-aged woman gives him a strange look, but she strolls along with her children in tow, all either screaming or squealing in high-pitched voices.  He keeps to himself, pressing his body against armrest of the bench, holding onto it tightly as if it were an anchor keeping him tethered to the very little sanity he has left. 

This too holds many memories of what he once had, what they used to be. He shouldn’t be here, shouldn’t be going through all their old memories, but he just can’t seem to stop himself.  Their bench, he called it, the bench they’d sit at together on quiet evenings as they watched the world go by around them. Phil liked doing things like that, observing and thinking about other people, the most selfless person he’s ever met. It was here that things changed. It was here when Dan started getting in deep. It was here-  
.  
It was late evening, the weather now fully chilly as the winter seemed to be hitting London at full speed. A few families are walking together wearing matching winter coats, either in a rush trying to get gifts for their loved ones or delaying their journey to wherever in order to gauk around at the winter wonderland that the city had become, though it isn’t as busy as it normally is.

Dan loves the holiday season, from the warmth of a hot beverage in his hands, to the cold that begins nipping his cheeks red when he stays outside for a while, he loves it all. He loves snow, loves the cold, and loves to be covered in heavy sweaters that reach past his arms. 

It’s the reason why they’re outside now, so close together on the bench that they’re legs are pressed together even though there’s plenty of room for them to have their own spaces, with Dan acutely aware that if he were to turn that he could possibly kiss Phil. They’re both wearing heavy winter coats, as well as sweaters underneath them, Phil’s hands covered in the set of gloves he had previously worn at the coffee shop while Dan’s gone for a pair of earmuffs, thick fleece wrapping around the back of his head to his ears, pushing his hair up into a sort of curly quiff. 

They’ve sat in silence for a while, as there’s really nothing that needs to be said. It’s nice that they’re that close, close enough that there can be silence without any discomfort, without the need to fill the air with ice breakers. 

Phil taps his shoulder, Dan turning to look at Phil when he points somewhere in the sky, Dan’s eyes following his finger to a point in the sky where he can’t see anything. Dan looks at him, confused as to why Phil would be pointing at nothing, Phil rolling his eyes as he moves Dan’s head a little bit more to the left. Dan spots the Big Dipper, nodding with a grin as Phil lets his arm rest on Dan’s shoulder. He moves closer to Dan’s ear.

“Did you know that the Big Dipper isn’t a constellation? It’s actually an asterism and it’s part of the constellation Ursa Major.” Dan can’t stop himself from giggling, rolling his eyes at Phil as he gives Dan a defensive look. 

“What? It’s true!” He exclaims.

“Why do you even know that? Some kind of astronomy loser now?” He teases, Phil sticking his tongue out at Dan after he shakes his head. Their breaths are coming out in clouds of warm air when they talk, another thing Dan remembers that he loves about the winter.

“No, just a random fact I memorized. They’re good icebreakers, you know.” He replied, very matter-of-factually, as if it’s something he does often, which Dan guesses he probably does since he’s a giant nerd. Dan raises his eyebrows inquisitively.

“When have we ever needed icebreakers?” 

“We never have, but they’re always good to have.” He replies, Dan nodding with a sound of understanding, before he shakes Phil’s arm off his shoulder, so he can put both his hands in his pockets, as he doesn’t have any gloves and his fingers are tinted pink.

“Tell me something else.” He says, Phil looking almost too joyful as he pauses, likely thinking of what he could say that will impress Dan. Dan’s starting to think he shouldn’t have done that, but Phil starts talking and Dan can’t find it within himself to tell him to stop.

“Well, did you know that when your cheeks get red from the cold, like yours are right now, that it’s actually your body reacting to being cold by attempting to reduce blood flow to the body's surface.” He shakes his head, Phil smiling proudly as he continues on.

“What actually happens to cause your cheeks to turn red, though, is when the blood vessels in your face dilate and then literally burst after narrowing. Isn’t that crazy?” He asks, Dan finding himself starting to laugh again at Phil’s disposal of random knowledge that he’s only got there in case of awkward conversations. He’s so ridiculous, Dan’s so damn stuck to him it’s like Phil’s his crazy glue. 

“I didn’t know that, you big dork.” He answers, causing Phil’s proud smile to grow at least twice it’s size. 

“That’s what blushing is, which you seem to do quite a lot of around me.” Dan’s trying not to grin but failing miserably, narrowing his eyes at Phil with an almost radiantly happy look on his face. Phil’s looking at him with an almost identical look. Perhaps Phil’s more aware of Dan’s feelings towards him that he’s let on.

“Do I?” His voices feigns innocence, something that Dan can only keep up for a few seconds before they both burst into hysterical laughter, the kind of laughter that leaves their cheeks wet and their tummies sore, but their grins big and their eyes bright. 

“Ugh, my cheeks are freezing.” Dan whines, pressing his cold hands to his cheeks only making matters worse for him, as he’s forgotten to bring gloves. He tries to pull the high neck of his sweater up a little higher, but it just falls back down to it’s original place around Dan’s neck.

Phil, he gets this look on his face. It’s almost as if he can see the mischief brewing in Phil’s head, as if he can pinpoint the exact moment that an idea develops into something Phil’s about to do to him. It’ll most likely end in suffering on Dan’s part, but he’s semi-curious to see how it plays out. So he waits.

“Oh.” He pauses, having to practically bite the smirk off his lips. Phil isn’t very good at hiding his excitement to do something, something that he’s about to say that Dan has a feeling he’s going to regret letting Phil do.  

“I can help you with that.” Phil’s voice is deeper, (or has it always been that deep?), a warm smile on his lips as his hand trails down underneath Dan’s jaw and turns Dan’s face to his. He’s expecting something, he isn’t quite sure what, but he’s expecting more than what he actually gets, which is just Phil looking at him. At first he thinks it’s just a pause before he actually does something huge, but he doesn’t, he just stares. 

He doesn’t even do anything. But they’re so close, so close that Dan can see the small flecks of yellow in his eyes, can smell the mulled wine from Phil’s mouth, can feel Phil’s hot breath on his cheeks and- Fuck, he’s never wanted anything more in his entire life more than he wants to kiss Phil right now. 

Phil’s smiling wide, and Dan’s giggling just can’t believe Phil’s looking at him like that, like he’s the only thing that matters. It’s enough to make his stomach flip in anticipation for what he’ll do next, but even if he doesn’t do anything, Dan doesn’t think he’ll really care. As long as Phil keeps looking at him like that, he doesn’t think he really needs to get anything else from life. 

“You warm enough now?” He whispers, voice soft even though everything else around them is loud. He nods, mouth curved into a small grin, hands still in his pockets but cheeks feeling warmer from the heat that Phil caused to rise to them. He didn’t realize until now just how hot he feels, but it’s nice heat, much warmer than before. He nods to himself happily, turning away from Dan and leaning back into the bench. Wait, what?

Why the fuck did he look away?

“Why’d you stop?” Dan asks, because they’ve just had at least three minutes of solid eye contact for no reason in particular, but he’s deemed it enough to stop? He looks perplexed, head tilted slightly as his eyebrows furrow in confusion. 

“What’dya mean?” 

“Why’d you stop looking at me like that?” Phil seems to remember why, because he gets this knowing look on his face and opens his mouth to let out a silent, “Oh”. 

“I was just getting you to blush so that you’d stop being cold.” And suddenly Dan cares very much. Dan can’t help but let his mouth drop open, he’s actually shocked that is the reason why he was doing that. He was only doing that just to get Dan to warm up? 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Dan’s actually quite pissed as of now, because did he really just do all that just to make Dan stop complaining about being cold? He looked at Dan like that just to make him feel hot? Oh god he looks like an idiot. That teasing motherfucker-

“What? It relates to our previous discussion, I thought it’d be a good way to move on into something else!” Maybe Dan was wrong about Phil possibly knowing more than he’s let on. 

“You can’t just look at me like that and expect to get away with it.” Phil looks confused again, and Dan’s really wondering how he managed to catch such strong feelings for such an absolute idiot. 

“What do you mean?”  He groans in frustration. Phil is very thick-skulled, he’s realized, meaning that he’s got to do something to equate it to Phil. He gets an idea, it’s very clear by the way that his furious expression turns into one of brightness. His feelings being in the mix certainly aren’t helping, but at this point he’s already gone through with it.

“You doing that….” He pauses, moving in closer to take a fistful of his jacket in his hands and pulls Phil close to him. He hears Phil’s breath hitch, and bites his lip when he sees Phil’s adam’s apple bob in his throat as he swallows nervously. Their faces are only inches apart, like before, only this time, their smiles are replaced with parted lips. 

 “Is like me doing this.” He breathes out, their lips slamming together before he even has time to think about it and the force of their bodies knocking into each other so strong that it nearly causes both of them to choke from the sheer force of it.

Other than that, the kiss is good. Dan wasn’t really paying attention to much, as he was too busy trying to get over the initial, “oh-my-god-i’m-kissing-Phil-right-now” mindset. But he knows that Phil’s lips are warm, much warmer than Dan’s, and he’s not pulling away, which is a good sign, not to mention that he leaned in at the same time as Dan. 

The kiss is much shorter than Dan intends it to be, but it isn’t his fault. He’s just trying to prove a point with this kiss, not make-out with Phil in a public park. It’ll have to do for now, and besides, even if they never kiss again, at least he’s kissed Phil once. He pulls himself back, cold air instantly biting at his face where Phil’s warmth once was pressed up against his cheeks. He bites his lip, looking for any sign of negative emotion in Phil’s expression. 

Phil stares at the ground blankly, fingers reaching up to his mouth so he can touch them to his lips. He’s quiet, far too quiet for Phil, but he doesn’t call him out for it, if he looks at Phil for another second that he’ll spontaneously combust, so he instead decides to look at the children building a snowman a few feet away from them.  

“I always loved the holiday season, building snowmen was my favorite thing to do in the winter.” He says, smiling as the children giggle after placing a carrot into the snowman’s face. He doesn’t really know if Phil’s listening, but at this point he knows with the reaction he’s gotten so far that pretending nothing ever happened is better than trying to acknowledge it and possibly ruin everything. 

“Dan I-” Phil opens his mouth to say, but stops himself mid sentence to then close it right back up again. They sit there in silence, Dan staring at the group of singing carolers, wide grin on his lips as they sing the beginning notes of Tis the Season. 

“It’s okay Phil.” He says, it’s all he needs to, and although there’s a smile on his face, there’s a pain in his chest that squeezes his heart tight like a boa constrictor. Phil bites his lip, Dan briefly wishing that he had done the same just a few moments ago. They both slowly resort back to silence to gaze at the cheer around them. 

After a while, Phil gets up, extending his hand with a face so warm it could melt the snowflakes that have stuck to his coat. He takes Phil’s hand, getting up off the bench with Phil’s hand intertwined in his, both of them letting their cold fingertips linger for a second too long before they leave the park, side by side in a snowy winter London.  
.  
Dan blinks his tears away, standing up so quickly from the bench that it must’ve looked like it just burned him. He shakes his head, walking away quickly as if the bench will disappear along with all the memories they’ve had, like it’ll all go away if he doesn’t look back.

The sun’s started to go down, a sign that he’s been gone for the rest of the work day, and that there’s no point in even trying to go back to the office. He sighs, digging his phone out of his pocket to text PJ. He pulls up his previous messages with him, messily typing out an apology before he starts on his way home, not caring that he’s left the majority of his things at the office.

Dan’s home now, shrugging off his jacket and kicking off his shoes before turning on the light so he can trudge his way to the living room. 

It's almost entirely empty, besides a few books on the shelf and his incomplete DVD collection. The couch has a sofa crease just for Dan, but he doesn't really feel like sitting there anymore, with another one beside his now empty and losing shape. 

He flicks on the TV and surfs through channels as he looks for the number of the Chinese delivery place. He reaches underneath the coffee table to look in the drawer where he keeps take-out pamphlets, when he spots something bulky underneath the pile of fold-out paper menus. 

It’s Phil’s mouse pad, of course it is, the stupid worn-out picture of a cat sticking out it’s tongue almost as if to mock him. Phil always used the stupidest mousepads, because, “If I have to work, I might as well make it fun Dan.”, not to mention that he was a sucker for pretty much every cute animal anyways, even if he was allergic to them. He hasn’t seen this thing in ages, it must’ve been here for a long time, as it’s covered in mysterious dark stains and thin layer of dust.

He’s trying to think of the last time he even saw Phil use this, it must’ve been before he bought the capybara one for his birthday, though he’s sure that Phil’s thrown that one out by now. When did he even have this?

Oh that’s right, that was a little bit after the whole bench situation. That was actually a pretty good day as far as he can remember.   
.  
Phil’s supposed to be doing work.

He told Dan that he had a few documents to finish and a few emails to send out to various members of the time, not to mention that he also expected to add scripts to the rest of the first section of the game. So if he came over, he wouldn’t really be focused on him, which Dan was fine with. Phil’s job came first after all, he was one of the leaders of the whole operation anyways. 

However, he isn’t really surprised that they get side-tracked, that one supposedly quick peck to the cheek turns into a swallowing each other whole type-of-deal, with saliva clinging to their lips and everything. It isn’t the first time this has happened, nor will it be the last. 

They’ve found themselves in this position a lot more than either of them would ever care to admit, but they can’t help it. They’re making up for lost time, he supposes. The romantic attraction between them is strong, has been ever since they first met, but the sexual tension between them is even stronger.

They’ve been going really slow, because neither of them wanted to rush into things, but it’s been about four months now. Things get really heated really quickly now a days, and Dan doesn’t know how much longer he can go stopping himself whenever things get to be a little too much to handle. 

“I really should get to work now...” Phil trails off, though it’s hesitant, Phil looking over at his computer as they pull apart to take a breath. He’s got ten more new emails, plus a notification from his software app saying that if he doesn’t use it within the next ten minutes, it will shut down on it’s own. 

“Stop working! It’s a weekend!” Dan whines, hands gripping at Phil’s knees, his body slid in-between Phil’s open legs. Phil rolls his eyes, moving Dan’s hands off his knees so he can lean over and grab his laptop.

“I’m sorry Dan, sometimes this is just the way that it needs to be. Not all of us can have incredible artistic talent you know.” He replies, tapping Dan’s nose before reaching for his glasses from the top of Dan’s head, sliding them onto his face. He replies politely to an email thread from PJ before hitting send, moving onto the next in his inbox of forty unread emails. It’s only the third email he’s sent and he’s been at Dan’s for a little bit more than an hour. 

Dan supposes he’s right, even though Phil is one of the designers of the game, he really deals more with the business aspect of the game than he does with the creative aspect. Though with the amount of times he’s seen Phil helping out with everything else, he’s surprised they don’t include him more often. He has a strange way with words, but it works for him. Everything of Phil’s that Dan’s read always leaves him on edge, leaves him captivated. Phil’s style is much more dark that Dan would’ve ever expected, but it’s good.

“But you said you’d hang out with me!” He groans, huffing as he rests his chin on Phil’s shoulder, looking up at Phil with the biggest pouty lip he can muster in hopes that it works. Phil doesn’t notice him, instead uses him as a table, placing his laptop down on Dan’s upper back as he starts typing again. Dan groans, burying his face into Phil’s chest.

“I need attention….” He drawls out, adjusting his hips so they line up directly with Phil’s. He doesn’t react, only keeps typing, fingers gently clicking the keys. He lifts up his head and looks directly into Phil’s eyes, blocking his computer screen. 

“Stop distracting me, I really have to get this done.” He murmurs, shoving Dan gently so he can open up his Game Maker software to start creating some scripts and coding. He’s sure if he tried a bit harder Phil would throw his laptop across the room to get his hands on Dan, but Dan is simply too lazy, so he gives up. Phil can do what he pleases.

He huffs, laying his head back down on Phil’s chest. He listens to Phil’s heart, since his phones on the other side of the room and he’s got nothing better to do. It’s relaxing, the steady beating of his heart and the almost rhythmic typing acting as some sort of white noise for him. With Phil warm underneath him, he’s practically melting into Phil’s body, nuzzling his head further into Phil’s chest as he feels his eyes drooping closed with every blink. 

“A little sleepy there, Dan?” Phil’s voice is husky, vibrating in his chest as Dan nods into his skin. Phil’s hand cards through his hair, something that has Dan wrapping his arms around Phil’s sides so he can snuggle even further into him. Phil’s chuckle rings out softly in the quiet room.

“‘M I good?” Dan asks tiredly, voice muffled by the fabric of Phil’s jumper. Phil ruffles his hair, letting it run through his fingertips. 

“You’re good.” He replies, moving the hair from Dan’s forehead so he can place a gentle kiss there. Dan leans into Phil’s touch. He places a few more scattered kisses there before he plants a quick kiss on Dan’s lips, unable to stop himself from planting just one more…… And another one, and another one. 

Dan’s wide awake now, leaning up as he smirks against Phil’s lips. Phil’s got a hand in his hair, the other trailing up his shirt. Dan leans up, knees on the sides of Phil’s legs before he grabs Phil’s cheeks and kisses him in full.

Only to have Phil’s laptop slip off from his back right onto the floor before either of them can realize. 

“Well, I’m assuming that moment is gone.” Dan states, both of them with wide eyes as they stare at the laptop opened up on the floor, screen slightly cracked at one of the corners. Phil leans over to pick it up, wiping at the crack to make sure it isn’t just dust. He places it on the table, his cheeks to puffing out as he takes a loud breath, Dan taking Phil’s hand in his.

“I’ll get that fixed for you, I promise.” Phil nods, pressing a kiss to his cheek that Dan can’t help but lean into once more.

“Tonight is not meant to be is it?” Dan asks, Phil nodding once again. Dan chuckles, untangling himself from Phil as he reaches for his phone. The time reads late, the sun far gone and the streets of London having slightly emptied by now. 

Phil gets up from the couch, gathering up his phone and shutting his laptop before he reaches for his coat lying on the other small loveseat. Dan walks him to the door, watching carefully for any signs of anger as he slips on his shoes.

“I’m sorry Phil-” He begins to apologize, but soon Phil’s pulling him so closely that he smells the cologne that Phil puts behind his ears, any words that Dan was going to say quickly dying in his throat. He hugs back, pressing his cheek into Phil’s as Phil gets ready to pull back. He holds on a little longer.

“I’ll text you when I get home, alright love?” He says softly, pressing another gentle kiss into Dan’s cheek as he pulls away for the second Dan. Dan nods, letting Phil out of his arms, Phil pulling on his bag over his shoulders. Phil’s ready to leave, his hand is even on the door handle ready to turn it, but before he does, he slowly turns back around, gathering Dan back up in his arms to connect their lips together. Dan enjoys the warmth of it for as long as he possibly can.

Once they pull back, lips both covered in a sheen of saliva and eyes full blown, Phil presses his forehead to Dan’s, leaning into him. Dan leans right back. He looks like he wants to say something, but keeps his mouth shut. Dan wants to ask what he wants to say, but maybe he won’t say it for a reason. So he doesn’t pry, instead closes his eyes as Phil strokes his thumb over his cheek. 

“I could never stay mad at you.” It’s quiet, so quiet Dan almost doesn't hear it, but he hears it. It makes Dan let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. He knows Dan all too well, knows how he over thinks things and get himself all worked up. He’s glad Phil knows him.  

“I know.” Dan says back, voice far more melancholy than he intended it to be, but if Phil noticed, he didn’t say a word, only pressed one last kiss onto Dan’s nose before he pulls back for the last time, smiling softly at him before he opens the door and walks down the hall, Dan leaning in the doorway to watch him go until he’s out of sight. When he’s long gone, Dan closes his door and slides down.

There’s always tomorrow.   
.  
He throws the mousepad back into the drawer, grabbing the take-out menu before shutting the door harshly, dialing the number on the front of the pamphlet with a few quick shakes of the head to get himself out of his head.

Once he gets off the phone with the take-out place, he collapses down onto the couch, groaning into one of the various fluffy throw pillows to relieve some stress. After that, he decides that he needs a distraction, something that won’t remind him of the previous relationship that’s left a sour taste in his mouth, so he turns on the TV and flips to The Great British Bake-Off, where another middle-aged woman is in the midst of having a breakdown. 

He's aware that he's at the cusp of having his own mental breakdown, something he still hasn't had yet despite it being almost a month after the break-up. 

He's felt more numb than anything else. He expected to feel broken beyond repair, to spend his nights crying into his pillow or smashing shit onto the ground. It was his first major heartbreak after all, and yet, he was still functioning somewhat normally. He still did the dishes and sorted through the laundry, despite having to separate his clothes from Dan’s and taking every picture he had of the two of them and putting them in a shoebox under his bed. 

Sure, his work life was an absolute mess, but his home life seemed at least partially normal. Maybe because he didn't allow himself to dwell on it. That in itself was a blessing. Some nights he still thinks about it, occasionally slipping the shoebox out from underneath his bed to stare at the cover of it, though he hasn’t actually opened it.

It’s a very bad day today, flashing through so many old memories at once. He’s been on the brink of crying multiple times now, and he really doesn’t feel like crumbling to the ground today. His mental health is spiraling out of control, slowly but surely making it’s way to crash at the bottom, the lowest point. 

The doorbell cuts off his thoughts, ringing loud in the quiet apartment, making him jump slightly.  

He gets up to answer the door and gives the man an extra tip, mostly because he doesn’t feel like keeping the change, and eats his takeout at the kitchen table in silence, with only the TV playing lowly in the background. 

After a few shovels of food into his mouth, he takes his delivery food back into the living room to watch some more late-night TV. It’s enjoyable he supposes, there isn’t really much to say about it, but Dan can’t help but feel like something was off. There of course was something missing, he already knows exactly what it is. But admitting that to himself, letting it hit him and letting it be real, was something he just isn’t ready to do yet.

Every weekday night used to be just like this one, only there’d be someone else beside him.  
.  
“Hurry up! It’s about to start again!” He calls to Dan from the other room, Dan rushing to grip onto the popcorn bowl and his cellphone so he can run back to the couch, trying desperately not to let any popcorn pieces jump out of the bowl. He plops down, a few popcorn pieces landing on Phil’s lap. Phil chuckles, tossing them in his mouth before wrapping his arm around Dan’s waist, pulling him close as he shovels popcorn in his mouth. 

They love watching TV together, Great British Bake-Off specifically, just to name one. Once they both found out their mutual love for competition shows having to do with food, they started watching them together the nights they premiered. It’s been a tradition ever since, Dan driving the half-hour down to Phil’s place to arrive just in time for the start of the new episode. Truly the domestic dream, they’re friends teased them, but both were just happy to spend time together. 

“Did I miss anything?” He asks, Phil shaking his head as Mary Berry announces the next assignment. He grabs another handful of popcorn to eat, almost dropping it all when she says they have two hours to make some kind of dessert with sugar glass. Sugar glass is incredibly hard to make as it is, but to make it into a dessert? That’s just harsh. 

Phil chuckles at Dan’s distressed expression, grabbing Dan’s hand in his own in excitement. 

“You look so stressed, calm down love, it’s not like you're the one doing the challenge.” Dan sputters, looking at Phil in some kind of disbelief at how calm he’s being. He points at the screen where several chefs are scurrying around the kitchen in a state of panic, stopping short at their stations and frantically reading instructions on how to make sugar glass.

“How are you staying so calm about this? Do you know how stressful that is? I’m sure they’re all freaking out!” Dan screeches, Phil chuckling once more as he rolls his eyes teasingly. 

“Don’t worry Dan, I’m sure they’ll all get done on time.” Phil reassures his boyfriend, rubbing up and down Dan’s arm as somewhat of a comforting gesture. Dan relaxes a bit. One chef ends up dropping her entire batch of sugar glass onto the floor, the shards spreading out across her feet. She drops to her knees, eyes filled with tears, and begins to cry loudly, attracting the attention of several other chefs in her vacinity. One of the judges jogs over nervously as the woman begins to try to scoop it back up onto her tray.

“Alright love, it’s alright.” He tells her, but it’s obvious that there’s no way she’ll make it through. Dan sucks in a worried breath, she’s his favorite contestant. Phil pats his back sadly, the timer going off on screen as the woman sighing helplessly. She ends up getting sent home. 

“Well that sucked.” Dan huffs at the end of the episode, grabbing the remote so he can flicker through the channels to find something new to watch. Phil says nothing, only pulls him closer as he turns on BBC One for whatever rerun is playing. It turns out to be an episode of Strictly Come Dancing, which Dan watches happily, wishing he could stay up on his own two feet long enough to learn how to dance like that. 

He’s about to critique the first couple to be judged, a blonde woman with a latino man, when Phil starts peppering kisses across his cheek, leaving more and more without any hint of stopping. Dan giggles, pulling away to smirk at his boyfriend in confusion. Phil wears a similar grin, only he looks out of breath, almost as if he’s got the wind knocked out of him. Dan raises an eyebrow.

“What?” He chuckles.

“I love you.” Dan suddenly knows why Phil looks breathless, he feels it too. It’s almost as if he can feel the exact moment his heart flutters out of his chest, the exact second that his mouth curls up into a full-blown smile. 

It’s a feeling he’s never felt before, but if Phil’s going to keep looking at him like that, keep saying those words that makes it sound like Dan takes his breath away, he never wants it to leave.

“I love you too.” 

His next masterpiece comes in tints and shades of pink, the entire canvas swirled with various heart-like shapes somewhat hard to spot. Dan uses his special paints for it, the ones his grandfather had bought him from Venice all those years ago. The colours remind him of how Phil makes him feel, the color of his breath when Phil takes it from him, his heart beating in his chest when they’re foreheads are pressed together, lips inches apart and eyes locked in love. They’re in love.

They’re in love.   
.  
He blinks the tears away from his eyes for another time that day, shutting off the tv before throwing the remote across the couch. He rubs his eyes, pulling on the skin in frustration before he takes a breath, collapsing stomach first onto the couch and almost hitting his head on the remote that he threw. 

He groans, picking it up and dropping it onto the floor to the side of him. He suddenly feels very full, almost sick, so he puts his leftovers in the fridge and turns off the TV.

It’s a strange concept to put into practice, living there on his own, because when he’d first started renting the apartment it was meant for two.

Seeing all the half-empty shelves and bookcases, the missing knick-knacks and stickers around every surface, the missing crease in the couch, the missing mugs from the kitchen cabinets, the missing toothbrush beside his in the bathroom, the missing pillow in the bedroom, the colourful clothes from his closet and the mismatched socks from his laundry. Hell, even the missing shoes from the front door made him feel as if the apartment was someone else’s. 

The entire situation is just so strange, because he was there and now he’s gone, like a disappearing trick of a magic act. He was so close, so real, and then the next day he was so far away. It makes Dan want to shrink down into the covers and stay under there until the world gets liveable again. 

It’s in that moment that Dan realizes that break-ups aren’t just about missing someone.

It’s about missing what you had as a whole. 

He wipes the tears from his cheeks as he trudges into his bathroom, deciding to go take that shower he desperately needs.

He turns the knob all the way to the left, as hot as it goes, the steam instantly rising to the ceiling from the piping hot water as he begins to undress and carelessly throw his clothes onto the tile floor. 

He steps into the shower, not caring that the scorching water is hitting harshly into his back and making it feel as if his skin is melting. It’s almost like nails digging into his skin, something that he hasn’t felt in a while. 

Hell, he hasn’t even got laid since the breakup, he’s tired and horny and doesn’t know what to do with himself.

So he thinks back.  
.  
Lips slide down the base of his neck, hands running up the back of his shirt to palm at his sweaty shoulder blades, then back down over the sides of his ribs. His neck is tilted back as far as he can make it, to give him as much access as possible. Phil’s leg slit in-between his, Phil leaning upwards to reach underneath his jaw, then trail over to Dan’s ear so he can nibble on it, Dan letting out a strained groan as he wraps his arms around Phil’s neck a bit tighter. 

They still have all their clothes intact, but with Dan on top of Phil the way he is, they both know that they won’t for much longer. It’s getting far too hot for either of the two to keep them on anyways, as by the literal beads of sweat rolling down Dan’s forehead, dampening the ends of his hair.

Dan’s hands unintentionally tug at Phil’s hair where he’s got his hands tangled when Phil bites down harder, a growl making it’s way from the bottom of Phil’s throat that vibrates into Dan’s skin. 

“S’hot, too hot….” Dan mumbles, tugging at his jumper and throwing it off his body to the other side of the room. Phil’s eyes flicker hungrily over Dan’s skin, his own hands shaking with anticipation to get off his t-shirt. Dan ends up helping him because he isn’t able to get it off on his own, Dan pushing Phil down onto the bed the second the fabric flies from his shoulders. He grinds against Phil in a desperate, sporadic pace that has them both struggling to be quiet.

“I’ve been wanting to do this since we met.” Phil pants, hands trailing from Dan’s back downwards, so he can use his hands to guide Dan’s hips to a steady rhythm. Dan gasps at the delicious contact, wondering why they hadn’t tried this sooner. Dan can’t get through more than a few rolls of his hips without moaning, wanting to go faster, but he lets Phil take the lead. 

Phil switches their position so Dan’s back is flat on the bed, Phil climbing on top of him and grabbing Dan’s wrists so he can pin them above his head, the move alone causing Dan to hold back a whine.

“Have you been wanting to do this since we met too?” Dan tries to tease, but Phil’s hot breath blowing on his face only makes it sound weak. Phil smirks, leaning in to press a few smearing kisses to his cheek, but he instead goes to Dan’s ear.

“I’ve been wanting to do a lot more than you know.” He whispers, the sultry tone making chills form down his neck in excitement. To say he’s turned on is an understatement, and if Phil doesn’t rip off all their clothes and fuck him senseless he’s going to lose it.

And he does, after the two of them struggle to kick off their pants without moving their positions too much. Phil’s hands come over his legs, and he holds them open wide as he presses hot open mouthed kisses down his body, over his chest, making sure to bite around the insides of his thighs when he gets to them because it’s where he’s most sensitive. Dan’s already rock hard, a single line of precum dripping from the tip of his dick. Phil smirks, licking up the single stripe of precum before lifting Dan’s legs slightly so he can gain more access to his ass. 

“Dan Howell?” His voice is raspy from the lack of words said since Phil had arrived two hours earlier, Dan’s eyes almost rolling into the back of his head just from the seductive tone.

“Hmm?” He hums, as Phil grips tighter to his calves, his look of desperation turning into one of fondness. He looks at Dan almost as if he’s the moon currently hanging in the sky. 

“Have you ever drawn the stars?” He asks somewhat innocently, Dan shaking his head in a daze. Phil’s fond smile turns into a knowing smirk.

“Well you’re definitely going to want to after I fuck you so hard, because it’s the only thing you’ll be seeing for quite a while.” He replies casually, all before shoving himself into Dan. Dan whines, Phil beginning to moving fluidly in and out of Dan like the flicks of Dan’s hand on every new landscape. It feels so good, having Phil so close, making himself known by fucking hard and deep into him. 

If Phil’s going to keep fucking him like this than he’s not going to last more than five seconds.

He picks up the pace, leaning down to press sloppy off-centre kisses to Dan’s lips, Dan’s legs beginning to shake at the sheer force of Phil. Phil’s gripping so tightly to him that he knows Phil’s going to leave marks, but at this point it feels too good for him to care.

“Fu-u-uck…..” He stammers in between each thrust, Phil’s a lot rougher than he ever thought but certainly never thought that he’d enjoy it this much. He’s had it rough before, but he’s never had anything like this. He can’t stop his eyes from rolling, can’t stop the noises spilling from his lips and can’t stop the feeling building up in his tummy every time Phil pounds into him a little harder. He tries to warn Phil, but he simply can’t get any coherent words to come out of his mouth, only moans that get louder and louder the closer he is. 

Phil surprisingly comes first, the hot shooting of cum into his ass making Dan only continue to tense as he grows closer to his own orgasm. Phil slows down a bit, but keeps the pace as he reaches for Dan’s cock and begins to rub it dry, the sudden unexpected handjob the very thing that makes Dan lose his control. His whole body shakes, his moans turning into screams as he lets go, all over Phil’s still moving hand. 

Once they finally slow down to a stop, Phil pulls out, legs shaking as he makes his way into the bathroom, likely to go find something to clean themselves off with without having to take a shower. Dan’s vision is blurry, his breathing heavy as he takes a look around the room.  

Phil comes back and starts wiping down Dan’s stomach, moving down to the head of his cock, Dan whining and writhing with sensitivity as he wipes around his bum. Phil presses a gentle kiss to his thigh, finishing his work before throwing the rag into the laundry basket across the room, laying down next to Dan and gathering his naked boyfriend into his arms.

“So, are you seeing stars?” Dan looks at his boyfriend with a giggle, reaching a hand to caress his cheek. He smiles, pressing their foreheads together.

“I’ve always seen stars with you.” He replies, voice hoarse from screaming. Phil giggles, pressing a quick kiss to Dan’s lips before he sits up.

“Bake-off time?” He questions casually. Dan smirks, getting up to throw a leg over Phil’s lap and use his other leg to push off the floor, wrapping his legs around Phil’s waist. He moves Phil’s chin with his fingertips, bringing him close to his face with a sultry gaze.

“Why don’t you help me see an entire galaxy instead?” 

His next piece is an entire galaxy, taking up three large canvases all taped together with painter’s tape. It’s black, with a mix of golden yellow and dustings of pink and navy towards the middle. Thousands of little white dots cover the canvas, a giant deep orange ball in the centre. It’s considered so good that they use it in the game’s opening sequence. 

Dan doesn’t think he’s ever made something this good, but Phil begs to differ. 

Phil is his stars, his entire solar system, his entire galaxy. 

Without Phil, Dan wouldn’t exist.  
.  
Dan hand rubs fast over his cock, choppy groans coming off of his lips as his eyes fill with tears. His orgasm is reaching closer, his legs beginning to shake as he tries to keep his mouth from spilling the one name he wants to use because that name doesn’t belong to him anymore. He cums quick, then slides down the shower wall to sit on the shower floor. His forehead is covered in a mixture of sweat and water droplets because he hasn’t even gone completely under the showerhead yet. 

He feels too weak to get up. His eyes threaten to spill the tears he’s been desperately holding back, lips shaking as if to prevent himself from sobbing, his hand feeling dirty and his mind cloudy. Even in the shower he can’t get away.

He draws his knees to his chest, watching the water swirl down the drain as the steam continues to rise up to the ceiling. He sighs, because he knows he has to get up to wash his hair and body, but getting up feels a lot like climbing a mountain right now, so maybe if he stays on the floor a little longer he’ll find some strength within him to pull himself up again.

And after a while, he does, running his hair under the boiling hot water before grabbing the shampoo bottle and beginning to run his hands through his curls, the foam building up at the back of his head.

He eventually finishes his shower, hair shampooed, conditioned and styled, his body cleaned with soap. He grabs a towel and wraps it around himself, making his way back to his bedroom, his clothes remaining on the bathroom floor.

He grabs the biggest pieces of clothing he owns and sits down on his bed, the size almost engulfing him with just him alone. He reaches for his tablet and thin-tipped stylus to once again come face to face with an empty screen. 

He had to get down something.

Yet, nothing has come to Dan’s mind when he tries to move his hand across the blank canvas. 

He throws it across the bed with a sigh, collapsing on top of his pillow.

Dan shakes his head, deciding he’s going to bury himself underneath the covers. He supposes that if he’s too busy thinking to do anything else, he may as well try to get some sleep so he can have a good work day tomorrow. 

However, things don’t go as planned.

The second he tucks himself under the covers he knows that it feels all wrong. He knows all the times he’s tucked himself into bed since then have felt wrong. Sure, the bed is still the same, though he hasn’t cleaned his sheets in a month or replaced any of the pillow cases. He’s in his normal sleepwear, he’s done his normal bedtime routine and fallen into a clusterfuck of random viral videos- just like always. So why does he feel so on edge? So, unsatisfied? 

He’s so exhausted. It’s been a long day of trying to work and feeling numb, so why can’t he just close his eyes and fall asleep already? He knows why, it’s sitting there in the back of his head like a cat waiting to pounce on his already buzzing mind for what feels like the millionth time that day. But he doesn’t want it there. He doesn’t want to think about it anymore. He doesn’t even want it anywhere near his train of thought. He’s prevented it just fine through the past couple of weeks, so why is tonight much more difficult to do? 

He sighs once more, rubbing his eyes before getting out of bed, walking out of th-his bedroom to the window-seat located in the space between the living room and the kitchen. It’s his favorite spot in the house by far, even more than his bedroom. He loves looking down at all the people and cars and looking up at the night’s sky from the high-rise apartment, it’s one of the many reasons why he decided to live here in the first place. But now, it’s almost as if it’s lost part of it’s purpose. Because of what’s happened there.  
.  
His hand holds his tight, almost as if to reassure him that he’s there somewhere in the darkness, the only sounds within the apartment being the sound of their ragged breaths and the whipping wind against the window from the outside. It’s early, far too early to be awake, but both of them just can’t bring themselves to care. Dan’s been here four days now, which is a lot longer than he should be there, but Phil assures him that it’s fine because he isn’t doing anything anyways.

Dan’s been caught in a depressive episode as of lately, having stopped commuting to work halfway through the week. It had gotten so bad that Phil needed to go to his apartment to even get a response from him, to which at that point Phil had decided to let Dan stay at his until he felt good enough to go back to his own place. Phil still hadn’t known that Dan had depression, he had never gotten around to telling Phil. He was surprised that Phil had done so much without knowing the cause of why Dan was acting so different, but that was Phil. He never would make Dan tell him anything he didn’t make known himself, which Dan appreciated greatly. He knows he has to tell Phil, it’s a big part of him that Phil deserved to know, but he was so deep within it that he didn’t know if he could at the moment. So there they were, sitting silently in the darkness for the fifth time that week.  

Phil’s staring at him now, he can feel his gaze despite it being too dark to actually see, but he ignores it, instead letting his palm lay flat across the window, the coldness of the outside seeing into his hand and numbing his fingers. 

That’s how he feels. Numb, almost as if he feels nothing at all. All his emotions are hiding behind one big cloud that just won’t seem to go away, no matter how hard he tries to make it move. He’s done all that he can to cope, exercise, eat some healthy food, he’s even tried to sleep more, but nothing is working. There’s only one thing left to do he supposes, but he can’t help but have fear bubble in his stomach as he thinks about how to approach the subject. 

He wants to talk to Phil. That’s the only other thing that’s ever made him feel better, to talk to someone else. But how will Phil react? Can Phil handle him being like this every once in awhile? Will he see Dan differently once he finds out? Will he love Dan just as much? Will they break up? Dan knows he’s taking this out of proportion, but he can’t help it, he loves Phil and he would hate to lose him over something like this. He’s trying his best, that’s what Phil should know, he’s gotten much better over the past few months because of him. Phil’s helped him get through a lot, even if he doesn’t realize i-

“Whatcha thinking about?” Phil’s voice makes Dan jump slightly. He tries to slow his breathing, calm himself down, but his thinking only makes him feel anxious, his thoughts spitting out at him like rapid fire, his hand beginning to shake as he disappears further into his mind.

Does Phil struggle with mental illness? If not, what does he struggle with? Does he even struggle at all? Why doesn’t he know any of this by now? Why does he feel like Phil’s told him nothing? Why does their relationship suddenly feel so one-sided? Why doesn’t he know anything about Phil?

Phil’s hand grips at his tighter, almost as if he’s trying to keep Dan grounded, but his hand still shakes and his breathing is still fast and his thoughts still won’t leave him alone. He doesn’t say anything, which is what causes Dan to freak out in the first place.

“Do I even know anything about you?” He questions into the darkness, looking down at their hands because he isn’t really sure how to say anything else. He hears Phil gently sputter at what he’s said.

“Of course you do Dan, what are you talking about?” He bites his lip.

“I just, do we even know each other that much? I only met you a couple of months ago, not to mention we started dating really really early in our friendship. We haven’t really talked about a lot.” 

“What do you mean by we haven’t really talked?” He hears the slight defensive tone in Phil’s voice, and feels suddenly a lot more reluctant to speak. His throat is dry but he needs to keep talking. 

“I mean we don’t really know that much about each other-”

“Like what?” Phil cuts him off, voice as sharp as a knife that he feels like is held to his neck. He blinks fast to avoid tears from forming.

“Like, what are your goals….. What are your dreams, your fears, your views, your history, what do you want from life-” He goes on, Phil’s lack of response causing him to hold his breath. 

“Dan, of course we know each other, we’ve been dating for months-”

“But do we really know each other?” Phil grabs both his hands, holding them tight in a way that makes Dan’s tears well up in his eyes. Everything seems to get darker by the passing second.

“Dan, of course we know each other. You want to become a famous game artist even though you haven’t mentioned it because you want to work your way up the ranks and gain experience. You are terrified of moths but in reality your greatest fear is the fear of paranormal activity because you saw The Blair Witch Project as a child. You think that everyone should be entitled to what they want as long as they work hard enough to deserve it-”

“But do you really know me? Do you know about my past? Do you know what I want for the future? Do you even know why I act the way I do?” 

“No, because you’ve never bothered to tell me!” He shouts, the loud booming sound of his voice sounding closer to thunder than to the Phil he knows and loves. Dan struggles to hold back a sob.

“You’ve never asked!” He shouts back, taking his hands from Phil’s and holding them tight around him, almost like a shield.

“And besides, the same could go for you!” 

“What do you want to know Dan, huh? What do you want me to tell you?” He doesn’t know if it’s the tone of Phil’s voice that makes him start to cry or the question itself, but Dan’s tears start to roll down his cheeks and he doesn’t know if he can get them to stop.

“What do you think I want to know Phil?” He asks, voice wavering in the process of trying to steady himself so Phil doesn’t know he’s crying, but he knows the second after he finishes that Phil’s figured it out anyways. He hears Phil’s breath hitch, Phil’s hand finding his in the dark once more as he holds it, this time with a gentleness that was absent before.

“I want to know everything about you.” He whimpers, now able to see Phil’s head nodding from the light across the street, his silhouette ever so slightly visible so now he can see Phil’s face. He’s sure Phil can see him too because there’s a dramatic change in Phil’s expression.

Phil’s hard gaze now has softened, he looks guilty now, almost as if he’s kicked a puppy. His lip is between his teeth, his hand stopping as he pauses, before he brings his other hand up to Dan’s cheek and cups it lightly with his palm. He uses his thumb like a windshield wiper.

“What’s the matter Dan?” He asks, voice so full of sincerity that Dan can’t hold back his sobs anymore, his own free hand coming to cover his mouth as his cries grow loud and pain filled. Phil only looks more hurt by the sounds, looking almost as much in pain as Dan felt.

Phil does nothing, only squeezes his hand in reassurance as Dan finishes up his crying, Phil wiping his tears when Dan is calm enough for them to stop coming. He opens his arms, Dan slotting right in between his legs as he uses Phil to rest on, Phil holding him tight as Dan buries his head into his chest.

“I have depression.” He mumbles into Phil’s shirt, Phil’s hand that was carding through his hair slowly coming to a stop when Phil takes in the weight of his confession. It’s still, almost too still, Dan’s breaths slowly picking up pace the more time there is when Phil doesn’t talk.

“How long?” Is all Phil asks.

“A long time.” He replies back. Phil nods, hand beginning to run through his hair again, the silence between them almost painful to Dan.

“I’m sorry we haven’t talked about the things that we should’ve. I should’ve known this months ago-” 

“Phil, it’s okay. I understand why you haven’t wanted to talk about it. Things have been going amazingly in the past few months, I understand why you waited to see where things would go. This stuff can get pretty heavy and can make feelings go even deeper-”

“My best friend died when I was twenty two.” Dan’s heart breaks when he hears the feeling in Phil’s voice that he recognizes all too well. Dan holds on a bit tighter to Phil, Phil’s forehead resting on the top of Dan’s head as he talks.

“He never really liked to be sad, or talk about sad things, so I thought being the same way would help me be like him. But that really isn’t the case. We need to talk about these things in order to work. You're right, I have been reluctant in telling you about myself because of it, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been preventing the progress of our relationship over something so stupid-” 

“Phil.” Phil lifts up his head to look at Dan. 

“It’s okay. I promise you that it’s okay. You do know me, you know a lot more about me than I’ve ever told you, but it’d be better if we just talked about everything now because it’s better than never talking about it. I mean, if you're okay with it of course.” Phil nods, forehead pressing against his in a way that has Dan feeling warm.

“I want to know everything about you Dan.” Dan nods, pressing their lips together in a gentle kiss that has them both feeling as fragile as glass. They lean on each other once more.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Dan tells him everything, about his childhood of bullying, about his teenage years of sexual confusion, about his depression and why he’s been acting the way that he has and even that this whole conversation spawned because a symptom of his depression is irrational questioning of everything he’s ever known. Phil tells him about his insecurity compared to his brother growing up, how he felt worthless and small and how he developed social anxiety because of it. He tells how he challenged himself to overcome it after his friend died and how he (mostly) was cured of it because of the job he had been given when he made the game with PJ. They talk about the mistakes of their past and the hopes for their future, they talk about how they feel about the world and how many kids they each want. By the end of their conversation, Dan has never felt closer to another person and he has a pretty good idea that Phil feels the same.

“Thank you.” Dan whispers as they crawl into bed that night, Phil’s arms wrapped tight around his waist as he presses a gentle kiss to Dan’s cheek. He holds him close and Dan feels himself slowly crawling out of his black hole for the first time that week.

“Thank you Dan.” He replies, snuggling into Dan’s back, Dan feeling a pang of fondness as Phil sighs happily. 

“And next time you're going through something like this, tell me yeah?” Dan nods, closing his eyes as well.

They both vowed that day that they would work on communicating and work out their problems together. They are one now. One person's issues is now another's and their relationship is now a top priority in each other’s lives. 

This is the first down their relationship has, and it will not be the last, but they will have each other for as long as they're both willing to cooperate. Dan feels secure in knowing that Phil loves him and will do anything to make him happy. 

That night, he creates the most wonderful masterpiece he’s ever done. It’s full of warm colors, reds and oranges mixing with metallic coppers and golds. It’s the way he feels against Phil’s chest, hearing his heartbeat mix with his slow breathing to calm him like nothing else can, the way that Phil kisses him and takes away his breath, the way he feels whenever Phil looks at him so lovingly. And warm. It always feels warm.   
.  
Why can’t he just let go?

Dan spots a pile in the corner of the room, specifically a pile of canvases in the corner of the room. He bites his lip, holding his breath as if he were to even breathe he would disturb the inorganic landscapes. He slowly gets up from the ledge, tiptoeing his way over before he sits down in front of it, a shaky hand reaching for the back of a canvas he likely hasn’t seen in weeks.

He turns them all over, one by one, and instantly feels waves of emotions drowning him like the ocean.   
.  
“How many more boxes are there?” He hears Phil call from the top of the staircase, rolling his eyes as he reaches the last step. He tries to carefully place the box into the doorway, but he ends up almost dropping it in the process, Phil quick to react and reach the other sides of the box to help Dan place it down gently.

“This is the last one.” Dan replies, Phil smiling as he pulls Dan in for a hug. Today is the day. They’ve moved in together. He can’t believe that they’ve finally done it. It’s been a long time coming, with how often Dan is here, their friends were surprised that he hadn’t moved in sooner. It had been a long process of picking which crap of his to keep and which crap to throw out, but he’d made his decisions and now everything was in Phil’s apartment, their apartment.

He can’t believe that he actually lives with Phil now. If you would’ve asked him months ago if this is where he thought he would be, he would’ve told you to get the hell out. Now, he’s so grateful to have Phil in his life, the most wonderful person he’s ever known.

“Alright, I know we have to like-unpack and stuff, but I’m starving and the pizza place down the street is calling my name.” Phil says, Dan’s lips twinging up into a grin as he grabs his phone out of his back pocket.

“Meat lovers pie and 2 liter bottle mountain dew?” The simple question leaves Phil with a look on his face Dan can’t describe, but Phil’s taking him in his arms and pressing kisses to both his cheeks as Dan giggles happily.

“You know me so well, hard to believe you’ve only officially begun living here.”

“And I will continue to officially live here for many years to come.” Dan replies, before planting a kiss to Phil’s lips, then dialing the number of the pizza place to put in their order.

They make a fort out of the various stacked boxes of Dan’s things, using every blanket in the apartment to cover it and using the tv as the head of the fort. With meat lovers pizza and the tv lit bright blue underneath their own little place, Dan can’t think of anywhere else he’d rather be.  
.  
“Dan! Where’s my cologne gone?” Phil shouts from the bathroom, Dan huffing as he shoves his hands in his sweatpants and trudges into the bathroom. There stands an angry looking Phil, arms crossed over his chest as they stare towards the empty space in the cabinet. 

“I didn’t touch it.” He mutters, Phil whipping his head in Dan’s direction so fast Dan wonders how he hasn’t got whiplash. Phil groans in frustration, pulling at his hair in a way that makes it look like he’s going to pull it all out.

“I saw you use it the other day! I certainly didn’t touch it, which means the only other person that could have is you!” He shouts, beginning to shove things in the cabinet and throw them onto the counter, no regard for gentleness as he slams the tube of toothpaste onto the counter.

They’ve been getting into so many ridiculous arguments since Dan’s moved in that they’ve both lost count. It’s usually about someone misplacing something, or using something the other person was going to, or even leaving the cupboards open, and the one who starts it is almost always Phil. Dan had no idea Phil could be so difficult, but he supposes it’s because he’d never really lived with Phil before up until now. Screaming matches last for hours, one of them leaves to compose themselves, and then someone apologizes, usually Phil for his “temper”. Dan just shrugs and they go off to bed, their relationship more strained then either would care to admit but leave the way it is because both are too tired to fix it. 

“I swear, I didn’t use it, now would you stop being such an animal and just look for it elsewhere?” Dan asks, trying to sound uninterested but instead it comes out almost pleading as Phil slams things onto the counter with much more force than before. This however, only seems to make Phil more furious, because he just turns to Dan with the coldest eyes he’s ever seen and cheeks redder than tabasco sauce.

“Fine!” He hisses, before taking Dan’s special hair cream and slamming his hand down as hard as he can onto the countertop, the tiny glass container shattering almost instantly into Phil’s hand, his look of fury instantly replaced with a look of pain. Dan can’t even hide his shock, mouth and eyes both opening wide as Phil’s hand begins to bleed heavily from underneath the shattered glass in his palm.

He cries out, his other hand clutching to the side of the sink as Dan rushes to his side, slowly lifting up his palm to reveal a bloody mess. Dan’s stomach feels queasy, but there’s no time to do anything else other than call for an ambulance to take Phil to A and E.

When they arrive, Dan tells Phil that he’ll meet them in a cab. 

The second the door closes, Dan retches into the nearest item, which just so happens to be a bucket they use to keep umbrellas and rainboots. He can’t bring himself to clean that up or clean up the mess in the bathroom, so he instead makes himself an icepack and closes up their apartment, hailing for a taxi outside of their building with an urgency of getting there.

He isn't sure if that’s the moment that he sees that Phil’s changed or if that’s the first moment where he could see who Phil was all along.  
.   
“Are you even listening to me?” Phil huffs, arms crossed as Dan blinks quickly to regain focus. He doesn’t know what he’s done, but apparently it’s something wrong. He can’t bring himself care, since this happens so often now. He’s been losing sleep over this “regular” cycle, which never started happening until after Phil returned home from A & E a few months ago.

A normal day goes like this; Dan does something “wrong”, Phil yells at him, they argue back and forth for a bit, and then Phil leaves for a while. Dan cries until Phil gets back, he profusely apologizes, Phil forgives him- because “I know you didn’t mean to love, just don’t do it again, okay?”, and then they have makeup sex. 

But he’s in a happy relationship so it’s all worth it- at least he thinks he is.

Work has also been difficult as of lately, there’s a lot of deadlines coming up and there never seems to be enough time in the day to finish it all. Dan has hardly been able to come up with any new environments and he’s running out of excuses to tell PJ. He’s tried working over the past few weeks, but every time he tries to Phil somehow takes him out of it. They have to go see that new movie, they have to go grocery shopping, they need some quality time together. So he always just tells himself he’ll finish it later and somehow he never does. 

He really needs to get some work done- that’s what he was trying to do- up until Phil started yelling at him. 

“Dan!” He shouts again, Dan once again snapping himself out of his own thoughts. He sighs, moving the the barely covered canvas off of his lap onto the floor. He stands up. 

“Do you know how hard things have been for me lately? I’m just trying to spend some quality time with you, support you and make you feel loved, why can’t you just come sit with me for a while?” Dan sighs, running a hand through greasy hair as he looks over at his work and then back at Phil. 

“I know I know, I just- I really have a lot to get done-”

“Are you saying you don’t want to hang out with me?” His eyes widen.

“No! Not at all! I have a lot of work to do Phil, I just don’t have time-”

“You don’t have time for me anymore?” The crushed look on Phil’s face makes guilt pang hard in his chest, the last thing he wants to do is disappoint Phil.

“I always have time for you Phil, always! I just-”

“Doesn’t seem like it.” He grumbles, grabbing his coat from the couch and throwing it over his shoulders as he heads for the door. Dan instantly runs after him tackling his back to hug Phil tightly.

“Please don’t leave Phil, please! I’ll hang out with you! I can do my work later! Let’s just go watch some TV on the couch, come on-” Dan frantically pleads, but Phil pushes him off, Dan still holding securely to Phil’s waist. Phil stiffens in his arms.

“Let go!” He growls, shoving Dan harder, Dan falling onto the floor butt first. Tears form in his eyes as Phil walks out, slamming the door harshly behind him, so harshly that their knicknacks shake and his coat falls from the hanger onto the ground. 

He doesn’t know what else to do but cry, so that’s what he ends up doing until Phil returns.

He doesn’t forgive Dan, he only slams the door to their room and doesn’t come out. 

He really fucked up this time.

He tries to work, but he feels far too guilty and sad to accomplish anything. He decides to give Phil space, and when he’s ready to talk about it- they’ll talk about it.

They love each other, they’ll fix everything, just like they always do. This time might just take a little bit longer.   
.  
Dan’s really worried.

They haven’t talked in weeks, only when they’ve had to- like when rent was due or when Dan’s parents came to visit. Phil’s giving him the silent treatment and he doesn’t even know why. That argument wasn’t much different than most they’ve had, so what made this one different? He still believes Phil will come and talk to him, he just needs to give him time. Even if it’s more time than usual, he’s okay with it.

Playing the waiting game is harder than he thought it would be though, because Phil hasn’t even budged and it’s been quite a while. He misses Phil, the Phil who looked at him like he hung the stars in the sky, the Phil who made him feel loved in every place all the time. Did that make him selfish? Maybe a little bit, but that was just how he felt. 

He left a while ago, didn’t say why but Dan figured that he’s a grown man and is allowed to do what he wants. He just needs to give Phil space as much as he hates it, because it’s the right thing to do until Phil comes and talks to him. 

The door slams loudly, Dan whipping his head around to see Phil standing there, small plastic bag in one hand and other balled tightly into a fist. Dan only stares, watching as Phil drops the bag to the ground, it’s contents falling to the floor and bursting out onto the wooden floor. He opens is arms and Dan’s eyes instantly fill with tears as he falls from the couch, practically sprinting into Phil’s arms to hug him. Except he’s forgotten the spilled milk on the floor and slips on that, trying to regain his balance but failing. 

Phil grabs his waist and pulls Dan into him just before he can fall, Dan sobbing into Phil’s shoulder as he holds tight. Phil presses kisses behind his ear, over his cheek and onto his lips, whispering broken “Sorry’s” from his lips as Dan clings to him, almost as if he lets go then Phil will disappear. 

“Never again.” Dan cries, nails digging into Phil’s shoulders.

“I promise.” He vows, and in that moment, Dan feels content.

Never again.

Oh how wrong.  
.  
“I’m so sorry Dan-” Phil says, apparent sincerity in his voice as he tries to reach for his lover, which only makes Dan more angry. He slaps Phil’s hand away, his knuckles white as his fists get tighter, face scarlet as he holds back hot tears with a stinging cheek.

“You said never again!” He tries to scream, but it only comes out as blubbering. Dan’s furious, he’s enraged, he doesn’t even know what to do because Phil said he’d never hurt Dan again and yet all he ever does anymore is hurt Dan. He said he wouldn’t but he did anyways. He crossed a line because Phil hit him and that’s a line that Dan never thought anyone would cross, much less that Phil would cross. No one hits him and gets away with it, no one treats him the way that Phil has and gets away with it. 

“Dan-” He reaches out again, trying to take Dan’s hand in his, but Dan slaps it away again and begins to back away from Phil’s reach. He’s got a hand in his pocket now, shaky fingers over his phone ready to dial the number in case things get really bad. His cheek’s stinging turns into actual pain.

“Don’t touch me!”

“Dan….” He says again, Dan still frozen in his place as Phil starts moving slowly towards him. 

Phil takes the hand out of Dan’s pocket and holds it, squeezing once, twice, and then three times. Dan lets out a breath, slowly wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck as Phil leans against Dan’s cheek. The smell of Phil’s cologne fills his nose and he tries not to breathe as much. It used to make him feel dizzy in a good way, but now it just makes him sick. 

“Let’s get you an ice pack, yeah?” Phil asks, Dan nodding slowly as Phil leads him into the kitchen, sitting him down on one of the kitchen counters and reaching into the freezer to find one and place it on Dan’s cheek. 

“Why don’t we get some rest?” He says, but his voice is far too sweet and his grip on Dan is far too loose for Dan to feel safe. But he nods, he lays down with Phil in their bed and he tries to forget the horrible thing that their relationship has turned into.

Phil hit him and Dan let him. 

Dan doesn’t know what to do.  
.  
“Are you alright Dan?” Sara asks as he walks into the store, instantly darting towards the acrylics section without a single word. He pretends to not hear her, just like he pretended he didn’t see the black eye or deep bags in the mirror this morning, just like he pretended like he wasn’t tiptoeing out of the house to avoid waking Phil, just like he pretended that Phil would be fine with him leaving the house so early. 

Dan needed to get work done. The environments were due soon and he hadn’t gotten any work done. He needed to do this out of the need of his job, because if he didn’t he was sure Pj would fire him and that’s the last thing Dan needs right now. 

He searches through the bottom of the shelf, jumping slightly when he feels a hand tap at his shoulder. He breathes a gentle breath of relief when he sees it’s only Sara, who’s now looking even more concerned than she had before. 

“What happened to your eye?” The words cause a slight panic in him, because there’s no way in hell he can tell Sara what Phil’s done. Phil was her friend, her friend first, and besides, Phil didn’t mean to hurt him. It was only because he was aiming for Dan’s cheek and instead hit his eye. It didn’t sound any better, but Dan supposed he deserved it. He had eaten the last dessert from the fridge, the dessert that Phil wanted, he should’ve known to leave it for him instead of taking it for himself. Selfish of him, as per usual, because he never thinks of Phil. 

“Oh! I-uh, I ran into a door the other day. You know I always forget about the glass door at night.” He chuckles, turning back around to continue looking over smaller paint pots. Sarah rubs his shoulder gently, causing him to stop all together.

“Is everything alright?” She asks, and he nods almost immediately. Of course things are alright, he and Phil are together and that’s all that matters. He laughs again, although this time it comes out much more nervous than he intends for it to.

“Everything’s perfect!” He exclaims. She sighs. He knows she doesn’t believe it, but he somehow still ends up praying that she doesn’t pry further.

“Dan, what’s going on with you and Phil?” 

“What? Nothing! Phil and I are perfectly fine!” He defends, crossing his arms.

“Dan, you’ve been acting strange for weeks. Hell, you haven’t even come here since last month, the only reason why I know is because I occasionally see you around with Phil.” 

“Phil and I like to stick together, it helps us grow as a couple.” 

“But Dan, when was the last time you went out on your own, did something on your own? I saw PJ before-”

“Everything is fine Sara.” He cuts her off, suddenly wanting to finish with the conversation. He checks his watch and his eyes widen. He pulls out his phone in record time, breathing out another sigh of relief when he sees that the messages are empty. His eyes meet hers and that’s when he’s realized that he fucked up.

“Phil just, is very specific is all. I should probably get going, I don’t really want these anyways, I’m sure Phil wouldn’t like them.” 

“Dan-” She tries, but he cuts her off once more, putting the pots back in their proper shelves.

“I have to get going, Phil’s expecting me home.” He practically runs out of the store just as fast as he came in, Sara able to call out to him-

“Just know I’m always here for you Dan!”

He briefly wonders if she’d still be there if she knew.

He doesn’t think so.  
.  
It all comes crashing down with a pencil. 

He doesn’t mean to leave it there, hell, he forgets he even used it- but that’s the problem.

“Dan, what’s this?” Phil asks, Dan instantly tensing when he here’s the venom in Phil’s voice. Dan tries to remain calm, turning slowly to see that Phil’s holding one of the pencils he recently ordered from one of the arts shops online. He hadn’t told Phil about, even going as far as the using his emergency card to secretly order them. Phil didn’t like him spending money on what he deemed “useless purchases”, but Dan needed them for work to plan out a new environment he had been working on, (without Phil’s knowledge of course). 

“It’s a pencil.” He says, Phil rolling his eyes as his gaze turns a bit harder.

“No, I mean where is it from?”

“The artshop online.” Dan mumbles, head instinctively downturned as Phil comes closer to his face. He hears Phil make a sound of disapproval, guilt slowly building up in Dan’s stomach as he sees Phil crossing his arms through his hair.

“Well, I suppose I’m wondering how on earth you could’ve bought this, considering I certainly didn’t give you permission to and I didn’t get a notice from the bank.” Dan bites his lip, hand subconsciously sticking into his pocket and his fingers wrapping tight around his phone. 

“I-I used my own card.” He whimpers, Phil gripping the collar of his shirt and yanking him upwards from the couch almost instantaneously, Dan choking in surprise. He forces Dan’s head up, harsh eyes boring into his and fingers around his throat in a way that has tears forming in his eyes. 

“Are you fucking kidding me Dan? What did I say about wasting money on useless shit!” He booms, shoving Dan into the nearest wall and holding him there, Dan squirming in his grip as he tries to desperately break himself free.

“Phil please! I needed them for work they aren’t useless-” He rushes out, but Phil only pushes him further into the wall with more fury than before.

“Anything you want to buy, you ask me! You know that!” 

“It’s my own money Phil! I’m allowed to buy what I want-” 

Phil slaps him hard across the cheek. 

“Anything you want to buy, you ask me.” He repeats again, voice gruffer from his gritted teeth because that’s how Phil’s voice always gets when he’s really angry. Dan knows this, and yet, it’s almost as if something snaps.

“It’s my own money, Phil.” He spits, with all the confidence he can muster. It’s getting hard to breathe but Dan can’t find it in himself to care, instead he keeps talking, because there’s no reason for him to feel bad right now, even though his stomach is churning with every word that comes out of his mouth.

“I have a job that I make money from and it’s my money to spend on whatever I choose.” Phil’s entire face tightens, his grip does too, and with that, Dan finds himself lacking air. Phil doesn’t stop when he sees Dan’s inability to breathe, he only grips even tighter.

“Phil-” Dan wheezes, Phil showing no signs of letting go. This is when Dan realizes that if he doesn’t fight back, he’ll eventually pass out, his eyes going wide as he begins to flail his arms and legs with as much strength as he can.

“Ph-” He can’t even get the word out, his vision going fuzzy as he tears roll down his cheeks. He hits Phil particularly hard around his thigh, causing Phil to let go in order to clutch it in pain, Dan gasping for air as he hits the floor with a loud bang. Phil whips his head around, rushing towards Dan’s side as he regains his breath.

“Dan, I am so sorry-” He apologizes, but Dan begins to crawl away from him.

“Get away from me, get away.” Dan’s voice is hoarse, but the emotion in his voice is enough for Phil to back away, which is when Dan slowly picks himself off the floor and has a revelation.

This isn’t how a relationship works.

He’s hit Dan, he’s been controlling him, he’s been-

“Enough! I’ve had enough!” He finds his voice, something that seems to leave Phil silent.

“Look at what you’ve done to me.” His voice cracks, looking down at his shaky hands and then back up at Phil before him. Except it isn’t Phil. No, this man in front of him hasn’t been his Phil in a long time. 

“How the hell did I let you do this to me?” Phil looks down at the floor, but his gaze is unreadable, no signs of expression or emotion written on his face. Dan is angry, because how dare he not even be able to look at him when he’s ruined Dan’s life.

“Look at me!” He screeches, Phil’s head lifting up as Dan’s head begins to spin.

“Y-you’ve ruined me. I don’t do any of my work, I don’t hang out with friends, I don’t even leave the house! You’ve taken everything away from me and it was all because I was too afraid to say no! Because I love you!” He looks down, before he looks back up, his eyes narrowing and his fists tightening around his cell phone.

“I let go of everything I loved to make you happy because I thought you made me happy. But i was so wrong. I can't even remember the last time you made me happy. You’ve made my life into a living hell and now I will never get back the time I wasted on you.” 

“It’s over.” Those words get an intense reaction from Phil, who instantly runs over to Dan and tries to wrap his arms around him. He’s apologizing in Dan’s ear, trying to pepper kisses over his body and lift up his shirt.

“Dan, I’m so so sorry, please baby please-” He’s begging, trying to reach anywhere he can as Dan tries to push him off. He starts to sob, shoving away Phil’s hands that are just too quick for his damaged body.

“Get off me! Get off me please! I can’t do this anymore!” Dan cries, but Phil just isn’t listening.

“We can work this out, we can make this work-”

“No we can’t!” He yells with all his might, before shoving Phil as hard as he can, causing him to fall onto the floor with a smack. Phil gets up, brushing himself off before he huffs, Dan gulping as Phil seems suddenly so much taller than he was before in front of him.

Dan stomach begins to sink, he isn’t sure how much more he can take. So he pushes Phil out of the way and gathers a jacket, stuffing a few things in the pockets. He blocks out as much of Phil’s things as he can from his vision while he does so. He runs out the door, but not before Phil does something he’ll never forget.

He does nothing.

And just like that, he and Phil were done.  
.  
He bangs on the door, even though he knows they aren’t open and no one will answer, but it’s the last place he has to go. None of his friends are answering their phones and this is all he could think of. But even this place was closed, and now he had nowhere to stay.

Tears are rolling down his cheeks, nose stuffy and voice squeaky from trying not to make noise, but he isn’t sure he can compose himself much longer. He bangs on the door a bit harder. A light turns on in the back and he doesn’t think he’s felt this much relief in a long time. Sara comes from the ‘Employees Only’ door, obviously confused, until she spots Dan’s face and all but runs to open the door for him. 

She leads him inside as he begins to sob, dropping to his knees onto the floor and burying his face in the bottom of her cardigan. She’s trying to comfort him, trying to get him up off the floor, but he’s too much of a mess to even move.

“You were right, you were so right, I’m so stupid!” He cries, as she manages to somehow lift him to his feet. She hugs him tightly, rubbing his back and whispering comforting words into his ear.

“Come with me, you can stay as long as you need.” She doesn’t say much else that night, only drags him upstairs into her tiny apartment and tucks him into her bed, holding him tight as he cries.

From then on, things would never be the same.  
.  
Dan can’t help himself anymore, loud sobs pouring from his lips as he pushes the last canvas back into it’s pile. 

He can’t believe he never realized during that time just how awful their relationship was. Hell, Phil was abusing him and he was still convinced it was something he did. He could’ve never predicted this, he couldn’t have known when they first met. It wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t see the signs. It wasn’t his fault.

All this time he had been blaming himself for the break up, but now that he’s had some time to reflect on the relationship himself, he knows it isn’t his fault. 

So he tells himself that, again and again, because the more he hears it the more he believes it and the more he believes it the angrier he gets that he hadn’t realized it sooner. But then he remembers that he was so in love with Phil that he couldn’t see it, and that makes him even more mad. 

He looks at himself in the mirror by the door and looks at just how much he is a shell of the person he used to be. This isn’t him. Phil’s left him a mess. How dare he…

Dan can’t believe he let himself get so caught up in something he wasn’t even to blame for. 

But then he remembers that there’s only one thing he can do.

He can get himself back.

So, the entire night he spends flipping over the old canvases and creating something new, a connection of all the old bad memories he can turn into a new one. He can fix this, he can heal himself. It may take a long, long time- but this is the first step towards becoming himself again.  
But it’s a start.  
.  
Today is the big day.

He’s presenting his final project to PJ. He managed to convince him to instead let him present one big masterpiece instead of a bunch of smaller ones that he never finished, which he’s thankful for now that he’s completed it. It took him quite a few months, but the finished product is unlike anything he’s ever done before. He’s really happy with it.

Not even just that. All these months, he’s managed to get himself back on track, (well, mostly). He’s gotten himself a therapist, gone to a support group for abuse victims, managed to get himself on a regular healthy diet and exercise a few times a week, (and also cheat for a couple of very tasty chocolate desserts). He’s so proud of the person that he’s become. And it’s all thanks to himself.

The meeting room is crowded, likely because once everyone heard of Dan’s big comeback, the gossip had traveled all the way around the office. It was quite impressive, the crowd he managed to draw, but he wasn’t the least bit nervous, even when he spots familiar black hair linger in the back of the room. 

He makes his way to the front of the room, where a large canvas hides underneath a big sheet, waiting to be revealed. PJ sits in a big chair at the head of the long meeting table, hands folded as he waits for Dan to begin. Dan clears his throat and the room goes silent, eyes excitedly focused on the hidden masterpiece before them.

“Everyone, I’d like to present the landscape I’ve been working on for quite a while that I think would make an excellent title screen.” He announces, before gently removing the sheet to reveal a large canvas, which turns out the be a dozen or so smaller canvases stuck together.

There are variety of colors, varying from dark navy blues to bright yellows and greens, tints of pink and orange mixing together to create smooth gradients between the colors. There are thousands of tiny white dots, swirls of white around with silver lustre dust over the top. The colors transition from dark on the outside to light on the inside, the centre being cracked glass into the title, which cracks into some of the art from below. He’s even included hidden details that can be found in the game, like characters hidden in the constellations of stars and words hidden in the colors. It really is the best he’s ever done, he couldn’t be happier.

PJ takes off his glasses, obviously in a state of shock, and begins to laugh. Dan stays smiling, and Pj gets up from his chair to walks towards Dan. He hugs him, tightly, patting him on the back before leaning into his ear and whispering;

“I’m glad you finally gave me what I needed from you.” Dan can’t stop smiling, nodding happily as PJ looks back into the crowd of coworkers.

“Looks like we have ourselves a title screen!” Cheers fill the room, everyone talking amongst themselves in excitement as the release date of the game approaches. Everyone congratulates Dan one by one as they flood out of the small meeting room, Dan making plans with some old coworkers for dinner later that day. He smiles to himself, about to gather up his things when he feels a tap on his shoulder, followed by the smell of a certain type of cologne that makes him sick. He turns around slowly, met by the same pair of cold, blue eyes he once found so much warmth and fondness in.

“Nice work Dan.” Phil’s voice is low, but it sounds almost like the Phil he used to know, the one that would kiss his cheeks and tell him how much he loved him. Dan smiles softly, because even though Dan would never let Phil more than three centimeters near him ever again outside of the office, having Phil’s approval makes him feel a bit happier than hearing it from anyone else.

“Thanks.” He replies, voice unwavering as he recovers the work with the sheet. Phil bounces on his toes, something Dan knows he only does when he wants to say something.

“Well, spit it out, I don’t have all day you know.” Dan tells him, as he throws his bag over his shoulder and adjusts the strap. Phil’s face flushes, and he nods furiously as he clears his throat.

“Right, I um-just wanted to apologize for all that I’ve done to you in the past. I realize that what I did was incredibly hurtful towards you and it was never my goal to hurt you in the way that I did. It was my fault, issues that I was dealing with that I was projecting onto you that I never should have. I know that it’s unlikely that you’ll forgive me for all that I did to you, and I’m okay with that, but it would mean more than you could ever know if you could find it in you to accept my apology.” Dan doesn’t even know what to say it catches him by so much surprise, but by that point Phil isn’t even done talking.

“It’s just been so hard without you, and I will continue to apologize for the rest of my life if it means keeping you in it, even if it isn’t in the same way that it was before. Your friendship means so much to me, you mean so much to me-” Phil reaches for his hand, but Dan pulls away out of instinct. Phil doesn’t try to go after him again, only chuckles sadly as he tucks a hand into his jacket pocket.

“I understand if you want me to just leave you alone-” 

“I accept your apology.” Phil’s head comes up faster than Dan’s ever seen, Phil’s look of sadness turning into one of hope.

“Really?”  

“Yeah. You can’t change what you’ve done in the past, but you can change how you act in the present. I’m not saying that things would never be the same as they used to be, because honestly they won’t be, but I appreciate you finding the courage within you to apologize because it means a lot that you are taking responsibility for your actions.” Phil nods, smiling and patting Dan on the shoulder, Dan tensing as Phil pulls his hand away.

“I’m sorry.” He apologizes again. Dan smiles.

“It’s alright.”

Dan and Phil both walk out of the meeting room, turning back towards each other as they both know they are going their separate ways for the day.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?” Dan nods, and the two wave before going off where they need to be. Dan smiles, holding his shoulders back and head high as he realizes that what he’s just done is something most people would never be able to do. The way that he’s grown, the things that he’s accomplished now, are all because of what he had been through in the past. Although it had been awful, Phil in a way had helped him grow into something he never would’ve thought he could become. With the good times come the bad, and with the ups come the downs, but he’s able to say he survived it all. He can’t say that something like this won’t happen again, but he can say that he’s learned from it and that whatever comes next he’ll live and learn through it too.

“Yeah.” He replies softly, smiling when he remembers where the words originate from.

Dan’s horrible at beginnings, but Dan now knows that endings are really just new beginnings.


End file.
